Day 4 - Lost memories

Crap cleared: all the stuff on the fridge　

　

　

I stood before the shiny, white appliance, rubbing the cleaning cloth over and over the smooth surface, for much longer than it needed. It was shiny and bright and beautiful. There were no traces of the past, no wishes for the future, no evidence of how busy our lives can get. It was clean and appeared to glow.

It wasn’t hard to remove all the crap that was stuck to the fridge - something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. What was hard, was to look at the photo of my daughter that was on the fridge taken about 2 and a half years ago.

　　

 

　

　

I looked at her beautiful face and wondered what happened back then when the picture was taken. I marvelled at how gorgeous she was (and still is, of course) and I tried to remember what my daily routine was like when she was two years old. Absolutely nothing came to mind. I could not remember much at all.

I really don’t think I have a good memory. Sure, I could cram information in to splurge it all out again in an exam, but I forgot it all shortly after. And I have of course used my memory well in order to develop in my career. But I have never been very good at recounting conversations to anyone. The ‘he said this’ and then ‘she said that,’ that I hear some people describe as they relive situations - I just can’t do that. I don’t really remember exactly what people say and sometimes I can forget what someone said all together!

I think I have a way of filtering out what I believe to be important or not. Trivial Persuit!! - hate it! Why would I want to store trivia in my mind - there’s not enough capacity in there to remember the important facts!!

When I look back on my past, I only remember the good times. In conversation a friend may raise as issue from the past that was really horrible at the time, and I would have forgotten all about it. I guess it’s just that I don’t dwell on the past.... until my marriage ended.

My husband left me. He walked away from us when the kids were 2 and a half and 6 months old. In the days, months and years that followed, I struggled to just put one foot in front of the other to get by. I was in a dark place for a very long time and that is why the memory of my daughter at that early age and the things that we did is just a blur. I know that she is my angel, who was there to help me get through each day. Without my love and devotion to my children, who needed me so much, my feet would not have been able to keep making those steps.

I feel like I have missed a part of their growing up because I had to put so much energy into myself to deal with the emotional trauma I was facing, but the beauty of it is, I can now look back and see it for what it is. I can examine the reality without any blame, hatred or anger toward my ex-husband. Wow, to recognise this (as I type) and to be OK with it, is a break-through for me. My memory of the last 4 years may be a little hazy, but as the cliche goes: "things happen for a reason". There are so many reasons this happened, I have so many lessons to learn from it.

I just went and checked the dictionary... "forgive" - to give up resentment against or the desire to punish.

Taking the time to clear the crap and examine my thoughts and emotions is teaching me to forgive.

　

I’m still getting used to the clean, white facade of the fridge. It gives me a jolt every time I walk past it or open it. And how many times a day do we do that? The clean slate that is the front of my fridge shines like a beacon, emanating white light, to remind me of the clarity I am finding within.

Day 4 observations:

I can look back on a situation that happened in my past and observe it for what it is. It’s a fact. It happened. I can eliminate judgement and forgive.

If I really do want to remember, all I would have to do is take time out to reflect on the past. if I do the work, the memories will come back.