Day 11 - "Bigger, better and bawdy as always"

Crap cleared: Make up and other old toiletry items

　

Inside the bathroom cupboard I found my dad, a theatre director, an old admirer and a little bit of fear. When you take your time to clear the clutter and clean your space without hurrying, your mind starts to wander, and if you allow it, you’ll be surprised where you end up.

Mum and I speak on the phone a couple of times a week and we can easily natter for hours every time. Dad, on the other hand, is always short, sharp and to the point: "How ya going? Good? Everything all right? Good. How’s the kids? So, you’re ok then? Alright, I’ll pass you over to Mum!" It’s funny though, when Mum goes away for whatever reason and he’s home alone, the first thing he does is phone me for a great big chat. I love it when I have a technical issue and need to speak with Dad. Like when the toilet didn’t stop running and he talked me through how to fix the cistern. Or when I was digging a diversion trench in the back yard due to the recent floodwaters and my pick hit and cracked an underground pipe, and he talked me through how to fix it. Or when my chook stopped laying and seemed sick and he was able to diagnose her problem and describe the course of action. If Mum would let him he’d be on a plane and heading this way tomorrow, to come and mow my lawn for me, but she says he has to Clear the CRAP out of his garage first!

My parents live over 2000km away and we usually see each other face-to-face once or twice a year. My Dad has left a suitcase of clothes and toiletries here, so that he can travel without luggage when he comes to visit. When Clearing the CRAP from my bathroom this evening, Dad’s toilet bag was definitely one item that had to stay.

I didn’t know why Paul Bennet ("Soapy") suddenly popped into my mind this morning as I was driving to school. He was also over 2000km away and was the director of a couple of Revues that I performed in back in my university days in Hobart. I hadn’t seen him since those days, many years ago. Today I saw an image that reminded me of one of these shows and so I googled it to remember what year it was. On the Old Nick Theatre Company website I found out that Soapy passed away last Saturday. We were not close and had no contact since those uni days, but we bonded well back then and I was sad to hear the news.

I reflected on how Soapy’s memory came to me this morning, and wondered why. I thought of the coincidences of the day and got a feeling that perhaps he came to say farewell this morning. I am touched to know that he came to check in with those who touched his life on this planet, before he went off to join the universal light.

Moisture from the seemingly perpetual rain

preceding the Jan 2011 Brisbane flood

caused mould problems in my house,

so as I scrubbed the mould

 from the inside of the bathroom cupboard,

I continued reminiscing...

There was a guy in that 1991 Uni Revue that I sorta liked - he was a fellow performer, but more experienced and quite talented - I’m a sucker for people in positions of authority or power. I think he kinda liked me back, but nothing ever happened between us. He was so confident on stage and could play his roles with such ease, but socially was very shy and insecure. (Interesting how these characteristics also describe my ex-husband - confident when on the sports stage, yet socially he was totally inept). I too was shy, in that I was never able to talk comfortably with and openly express my feelings to a guy. (It was great to see that he had developed a career in the entertainment industry and was still on the stage)

Growing up, I faced rejection from boys. Any guy who I really liked, never liked me back. The first time it happened, (my first point of pain) it hurt and confused me and, although I did not consciously recognise it at the time. I developed a defence mechanism to protect myself, a wall to protect my heart. I would (usually) only attract those who I was not attracted to. Operating out of fear, I developed a self-concept of unworthiness and so I tried to portray an image of a person that I thought people would like. I did not know my true self. People have told me that many men find tall, attractive, confident & out-going women intimidating and, when confronted with their own fears of rejection, become scared to approach them - the story of my life!

Now that I am on an inner journey and recognise the belief behind my experiences in relationships with men, I am able to understand and let go of the attached emotions. I now understand how fear can effect me and I am learning to deal with it. I do not have to worry about what people think of me - a trait that has governed my life. I am free to be open and honest; tell it like it is, and be ok with that.

I wrote the following reply on The Mad Men Guide to Changing the World with Words the other day:
　

　By acting within the realms of our fears,

we build an image of ourselves that we show to the world.

We use this facade to protect ourselves from being hurt or rejected

and we don’t acknowledge our true thoughts and feelings.

By facing fear head on – really looking at what it is, where it came from

and the beliefs that sit behind it – we discover who we really are...

I’m finally looking within and sharing my real self with the world.

Facing your fears is scary…. and so liberating.

So go forth and be creative,

with no attachment to the outcome.

You will truly discover yourself and be free.

Things that had to be cleared from the bathroom were the items I have not used in a very long time, particularly the gigantic pump-action 750ml tub of Vaseline Intensive Care hand cream that I know I’ve had for over 3 years. I used to keep it on the kitchen bench and moisturise my hands many times in the day, until I discovered Nana May’s Magic Hands. This salt and oil scrub requires only a single application daily, and your hands remain moisturised, soft and smooth, no matter how many times you wash your hands in the day. It’s all natural, hand made and fabulous for any dry, itchy skin and particularly effective to get rid of cracked heals and skin conditions like eczema and dermatitis. Yes, I do sell the stuff, so follow the links to my Facebook shop to get your hands on some and then get it on your hands!! The Vaseline hand cream was retired to under the kitchen sink along with all the other chemicals where it belonged.

Some old make up had to be thrown away as well. I remember a recent post by my friend and founder of Oradess make-up innovations that mentioned the shelf life of make up.

Did you know that sorbolene, petroleum jelly and fluoride mouth rinse don’t have used by dates? Some of those items that I had to clear were years old and definitely not good any more.

Here’s the crap I cleared from the bathroom today:

　

　

　

Day 11 observations:

• I love my Dad and my old friends; my family and my new friends and feel comforted knowing that we are united forever in light. (Think I’ll make that my new final salutation in correspondence)
• I can identify the fear that sits behind my beliefs and behaviours, understand it, let it go, lose attachment to outcomes, be comfortable with me and be free.

Day 4 - Lost memories

Crap cleared: all the stuff on the fridge　

　

　

I stood before the shiny, white appliance, rubbing the cleaning cloth over and over the smooth surface, for much longer than it needed. It was shiny and bright and beautiful. There were no traces of the past, no wishes for the future, no evidence of how busy our lives can get. It was clean and appeared to glow.

It wasn’t hard to remove all the crap that was stuck to the fridge - something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. What was hard, was to look at the photo of my daughter that was on the fridge taken about 2 and a half years ago.

　　

 

　

　

I looked at her beautiful face and wondered what happened back then when the picture was taken. I marvelled at how gorgeous she was (and still is, of course) and I tried to remember what my daily routine was like when she was two years old. Absolutely nothing came to mind. I could not remember much at all.

I really don’t think I have a good memory. Sure, I could cram information in to splurge it all out again in an exam, but I forgot it all shortly after. And I have of course used my memory well in order to develop in my career. But I have never been very good at recounting conversations to anyone. The ‘he said this’ and then ‘she said that,’ that I hear some people describe as they relive situations - I just can’t do that. I don’t really remember exactly what people say and sometimes I can forget what someone said all together!

I think I have a way of filtering out what I believe to be important or not. Trivial Persuit!! - hate it! Why would I want to store trivia in my mind - there’s not enough capacity in there to remember the important facts!!

When I look back on my past, I only remember the good times. In conversation a friend may raise as issue from the past that was really horrible at the time, and I would have forgotten all about it. I guess it’s just that I don’t dwell on the past.... until my marriage ended.

My husband left me. He walked away from us when the kids were 2 and a half and 6 months old. In the days, months and years that followed, I struggled to just put one foot in front of the other to get by. I was in a dark place for a very long time and that is why the memory of my daughter at that early age and the things that we did is just a blur. I know that she is my angel, who was there to help me get through each day. Without my love and devotion to my children, who needed me so much, my feet would not have been able to keep making those steps.

I feel like I have missed a part of their growing up because I had to put so much energy into myself to deal with the emotional trauma I was facing, but the beauty of it is, I can now look back and see it for what it is. I can examine the reality without any blame, hatred or anger toward my ex-husband. Wow, to recognise this (as I type) and to be OK with it, is a break-through for me. My memory of the last 4 years may be a little hazy, but as the cliche goes: "things happen for a reason". There are so many reasons this happened, I have so many lessons to learn from it.

I just went and checked the dictionary... "forgive" - to give up resentment against or the desire to punish.

Taking the time to clear the crap and examine my thoughts and emotions is teaching me to forgive.

　

I’m still getting used to the clean, white facade of the fridge. It gives me a jolt every time I walk past it or open it. And how many times a day do we do that? The clean slate that is the front of my fridge shines like a beacon, emanating white light, to remind me of the clarity I am finding within.

Day 4 observations:

I can look back on a situation that happened in my past and observe it for what it is. It’s a fact. It happened. I can eliminate judgement and forgive.

If I really do want to remember, all I would have to do is take time out to reflect on the past. if I do the work, the memories will come back.