Journaling has always been a way of clarifying what is going on for me. It's like the sea of crap that spins in my head somehow becomes ordered in the process of converting whirling thoughts into words in ink on paper, and I feel better as a result.
It is actually well known that journaling can reduce stress, heal, aid problem solving and provide personal growth by enabling improved self understanding.
It is actually well known that journaling can reduce stress, heal, aid problem solving and provide personal growth by enabling improved self understanding.
I used to only write when I was feeling really low. If I was to go back and read old journals it would paint a very depressive picture of my life, as each page was an attempt to understand and remove the emotional pain I was suffering. For me, journaling was a way of releasing my sadness, anger, frustration, or disappointment.
There must have been happy times in my past somewhere... there's just no written record of it!
Now that what I write is public, my egoic desire to be liked is wanting to censor the content, so that the theme of my writing is always optimistic and happy.
Not tonight.
Tonight I want to write about how watching the TV show about dating made me feel so totally inadequate.
I want to write about how I lost sight of the ability to 'go with the flow' when dealing with the water leak on my property and managing it all by myself. It took up a lot of my energy and I became torn between relishing my independence on one hand, and desperately wishing that I didn't have to do it all alone on the other.
I want to write about how I believe myself to be lazy with a lack of direction, focus and drive to do anything in my life.
I want to write about how tired I am because of my bad habits and self-sabotaging behaviours.
I want to write about how hard it would be if I had to face failing yet again.
I want to write about how much I identified with the lyrics of the Kelly Clarkson song I just listened to.
"Because of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
~ Kelly Clarkson
Tomorrow, when I wake, I will put on my smile and have the spring back in my step.... the perpetual optimist in me trying to paint a positive picture. Either that, or writing is working it's magic yet again!
That's tomorrow - for now, I cry myself to sleep....... again.
Crap Cleared:
Nothing today... I'm just having one of those days!
Observations:
I see that life is an emotional see-saw and have learnt that it cannot be completely evenly balanced.
Up's cannot exist without Down's. Happy cannot be, without Sad. There can be no Good, if there is no Bad. There needs to be contrast for these things to exist.
I allow myself to take time out when the need arises, to be with my negativity. To simply allow it. Because I have observed myself and know that before too long, the see-saw will teeter to the other side. I will soon be riding high again.
I see that life is an emotional see-saw and have learnt that it cannot be completely evenly balanced.
Up's cannot exist without Down's. Happy cannot be, without Sad. There can be no Good, if there is no Bad. There needs to be contrast for these things to exist.
I allow myself to take time out when the need arises, to be with my negativity. To simply allow it. Because I have observed myself and know that before too long, the see-saw will teeter to the other side. I will soon be riding high again.
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Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteGreat post Jo! Sometimes we have to just allow ourselves to go through our feeling bad stages. Affirmations won't work if you don't believe them and when you are in the midst of trauma it is hard to be in the now. You are either looking back to yesterday when things were good or you are looking forward to tomorrow when things will be better. Now is hard when you are under stress. Good for you for just going through it. The hard part in these situations for me is to not blame. To just say this too shall pass and don't point any fingers.
ReplyDeleteThere was some great discussion on the Clear the Crap Facebook Wall about journaling, after this blogpost was published.
ReplyDeleteI noted the difference between a simple diary or log of events or actions in our day, and true journaling, where you bridge outer events with your inner thinking and take the time to analyse your feelings.
Journaling allows you to reduce stress - by processing your crap and releasing pent-up thoughts and emotions. It creates awareness of beliefs so you may change them, reveals the depths of who you are, helps you feel better about yourself and moves you towards wholeness and growth.
Some advocate burning your paper, once you have got it all out. I have done this at times. It's another way of letting go and there can be a further emotional release as you watch old issues go up in flames.
After the writing event, the journalling paper becomes just a record of an old memory, and old emotion. Something we felt in the past. I have to ask myself if there is any need to keep it at all.
Further, if we can go back and re-read and say, "Well, that's what I was feeling at that particular time", I'd say, we have fully accepted the situation and the associated emotions at the time. But if we relive it and actually feel those emotions again, perhaps we have not yet fully come to terms with, accepted, forgiven or rationalised those events/issues of the past.