Day 32 - My love-hate relationship with the lawnmower

Well it would be nice if I was going to describe the guy who mows my grass... but this is simply a rant about the blue, 4-stroke, 158cc Victa!

When I go out and get dirty and ride the Victa I’m truly satisfied!!

...about a job well done in the yard, of course... what were you thinking??

For me, mowing the lawn is symbolic for all of the indoor and outdoor chores that I do, which would "normally" be done by the man about the house. I love that I am a strong, independent, single woman and attribute it to my treasured childhood growing up on the farm. I value my practicality and resourcefulness. When the grass has been neatly trimmed, and other yard duties completed, (eg. pruning trees, cleaning gutters, creating an ag-pipe drainage system!) I enjoy standing back and admiring the job well done and the look of my property.

It's probably not good to feel proud of oneself,

but I do value the sense of achievement I feel

when I do a "man’s job" such as mowing the lawn.

Even if we engage less frequently than we should,

I love my lawnmower.

That said, I still have moments, usually when something goes wrong and the damn thing (or other equipment) is not working, or if something else has effected me, when I can feel sorry for myself and wish I had someone else to do the lawn for me. I had an episode like that today when pushing through the thick grass that should have been tended to weeks ago, and the tears were rolling down my face as I plodded back and forth. Self-defeating thoughts like: Why do I have to be alone all the time? Why don’t I have someone else to do this for me? Why am I not good enough for anyone? Why doesn’t any man like me?

I hate my lawnmower. 

The strange thing is that I don’t really long to have a man in my life. Sure it may be nice, but it would be an imposition and stressor more than anything else. (perhaps just initially and I’m just saying this to make myself feel better)

Episodes where I get all sad and cranky about my circumstance are much less frequent or long lasting now than what they have been in the past. So, I soon shook myself out of that mind-pattern and continued to enjoy being outside in the fresh (noisy) air.

See... it really needs mowing!

Today there were two instances to do with relationships that really got my goat.

I read a blog from an American woman who needed to move states for work. She was living in a new city with her child, while her husband remained in the old home until it sold. She said that she is now experiencing what it is like to be a single mother.

Pheewth!!

(I cant send a link because I can’t remember the name of the blog. I was offended and chose not to bookmark the page in any way)

I liken this with women whose husbands go away for work for periods of time. Yes, those women do need to look after the children all by themselves and make huge sacrefices and may need to make some decisions by themselves, and it is hard, but this is NOT the same as being a single mother.

They have not suffered the tragedy that is the loss of a marriage/partnership that resulted in the children, and they still have their partner available, even if it is just on the phone at times. They still have someone there who loves them, and cares for them and supports them. They are not alone.

Secondly, I came across a facebook page that was inviting people to have a whinge and get things off their chest. A woman was complaining about her husband. It really irks me when I hear people criticising their partner (and yes, I have been guilty of it also in the past). Why can't people just be thankful for the love that they have and if it is an unhealthy relationship, quit it! Complaining is all about making yourself out to be better than the other.

　

Ok, rant over... Now I’ll go back to my pretence of being a humble identity - who lives in hope of ditching the Victa and finding a real life Victor, Vincent or maybe even a Victoria!

Crap cleared: Megga amounts of lawn clippings


Day 32 observations:

• I am becoming conscious of my ego, which complains about single life and my internal voice that tells me negative things about myself. I know that awareness and ego can’t occur at the same time. My old mental patterns are being recognised and broken down as my awareness grows.

Day 21 - Blood, Lies, Shame & Messages of Truth

Crap cleared: Medical Boxes

My daughter hurt herself at school two days ago and needed three stitches in her thumb. We followed doctor’s orders and kept it dry for 48 hours with the bandage on. Tonight it was time to change the dressing and inspect the damage.

I had prepared the children for the potential shock of what it would look like, by demonstrating with a tomato! I sliced into it, until a piece was hanging on my just a thread, to emulate her thumb, and had three needles with thread at the ready to quickly put in the stitches. I also showed how the doctor was going to remove them in an attempt to ease any anxiety over the procedure.



I thought a picture of a tomato would be much nicer
than a picture of a bloody stitched thumb!



The cotton pad over the wound was stuck to the cut with dried blood. The best way to remove it and the two butterfly adhesive strips underneath would be to soak it. I prepared a dish of water with a little antiseptic and do you think I could get my daughter to stick her thumb in it? She screamed and cried for a VERY long time before I could convince her that it wasn’t going to hurt. I finally found a strategy to get her to wet her thumb and soak the dressing.

It was past bedtime and she was tired and we were both getting frustrated. I just could not get her to trust me when I said that it wasn’t going to hurt her; that I loved her more than anything and was doing the best thing for her; that I would never do anything to hurt her; that I do not lie. I DO NOT LIE.

　

I told her that someone had lied to me

and it hurt me very, very much,

for a very long time;

and I reiterated;

I do not lie.

In that very moment I was jolted by the profound realisation of how deeply the lies of my ex-husband effected my attitude toward always telling the truth, never hiding anything, and my reaction if someone does not believe what I am saying.

My husband lied to me for the 14 years that we were together. He had a secret and the night he told me what it was marked the beginning of the end of my marriage.

He lied directly, by saying he went some place or did some thing, when really he went or did some thing else. He lied indirectly, by only giving out certain information and not disclosing the full truth. I put my ultimate trust in this man and found out that the whole time we were together, I was being deceived. My life, as I knew it, was based on falsehood. What I thought was real, was make believe.

How do you learn to trust people again, when the person you trusted most in the world was living a lie? I became afraid to let down my guard. I believe that you never, ever truly know someone. Everyone has a secret part of themselves that they do not show to anyone. I wondered if I could ever trust again, as that could again expose me to the hell of betrayal.

Mmmmm.... Tomatos!!

　

Today, on Dare to be Remarkable, I read:

　

"What once shamed you

now graces you and others"

　

How timely and absolutely perfect.

The shame I felt from having chosen someone who was so sly, that he was able to make me believe that he was someone he was not, was soul-destroying.

I was so shut down by what had occurred in my life that I hid the truth from my family and friends for years. With time (and a whole heap of treatments) comes healing, and I was slowly able to give out more details.

Now that I am completing the Clear the CRAP process, I am being totally open and honest for the first time in my life. I am willing to expose myself (warts and all). I am no longer hiding anything about my marriage or myself, and it is the best thing that I could ever do.

As I share myself with others, I aim to help bring about their healing.

　

　

"Your greatest life messages

and your most effective ministry

 will come out of your deepest hurts"

~ Rick Warren

While dressing my daughters thumb
I took the opportunity to Clear the Crap
out of my First Aid boxes.

Day 21 observations:

• Tell the truth! When you reveal the truth about yourself, you discover your true self. (Ohhh, I like that one... you can quote me!!)

Day 13 - Listen to your body - Are aches and pains telling us more than, ‘hey, you’ve pulled a muscle’?

　

Crap cleared: general household goods to be sold at market

　

As I packed all of my CRAP into the van I wondered if I could really be bothered taking it to the market. Surely it didn’t have such a great monetary value to warrant the huge effort of packing, setting up tent and tables, subjecting the kids to a 5am start and 7 hours of boredom, packing it up again. And the weather forecast was for rain... If only I had the strength to just take it all to the tip and dump it! But I did go to the market and was glad I did - it was fun.



Crap from my garage - ready to go to the market.



I’ve done some marketeer work before so the process is not new to me and I really enjoyed setting up because of the happy banter I had going on with the surrounding stall-holders. Many found my frivolity contagious. I think that having someone new join the regulars at the market can be like a breath of fresh air for them (or a pain in the neck) - like when a new employee joins your team at work. Those that didn’t like my crazy carry-on - which focused on using the word "CRAP" to describe the goods I was selling - well, I guess they’re the ones that just kept to themselves!

I honestly cannot believe the amount of crap I keep. I had a clear-out and held a garage sale six months ago, way before the Clear the CRAP Challenge began. This picture shows the extent of my crap that covered the entire driveway. The garage sale was not very successful, but instead of taking all the unsold goods to a charity drop-off centre or the tip, I promptly packed it all up into boxes. Now is the time to finally rid my space of those boxes of Crap.

My garage sale - August 2010

I have always had the tendency to see the good in people and wondered at times if I was actually a very good judge of character. I had a close friend and work colleague once who was very good at reading people’s features and traits. We worked together on recruitment projects, a perfect role for someone with her skill. On occasions she would mention that she had a bad feeling about someone that we both knew in some capacity. I would not have noticed this underlying negative aspect about the person, and see them only in a positive light. Given time, these people often began to show their true colours. My friend was right about them.

Maybe, knowing what I do now during my current awakening, the "good" that I have always seen in people, is their truth. I have always been able to see the internal light that connects us all, but just did not recognise what it was at the time. I’m confused now as to whether I should become guarded when meeting new people, to protect myself from potential danger, or to remain open and honest in the belief that we all have the capacity for such freedom and peace.

My neighbour at the market seemed to be a very nice man. He was a regular there and we made polite conversation. Throughout the day we chatted briefly between customers, about the market, the weather, the child car seat he was trying to manipulate to see if he wanted to buy it, among other things.

The wind was gusty and toward the end of the market we were all holding onto and tying down our tents to ensure they didn’t blow over. When my neighbour started packing up his tent, I went to lend a helping hand. I held onto the tent pole and grabbed a rope. I don’t know how, but I suddenly got a stabbing pain in my neck. Perhaps I pulled a muscle reaching for the rope or moved in a strange way. Oh, it was awful. I kept moving my head and shoulder this way and that, to try and shake the pain away. Something had cramped up in my neck.

Did I simply pull a muscle, or was there more to this?

At practically the same time as I went to assist with the tent, another man did the same, so I left it to the two men to do, while I continued stretching my neck muscle.

The thought that came to me at that very moment was that my neighbour marketeer was not to be trusted. He seemed nice, but beneath the surface there was something not right. I sat with this notion for a moment and considered my increasing awareness of the energy centres of the body. Did my throat chakra identify that I could not trust what this man was saying? Did I pick up on a negative vibration by touching the tent?

I have magnified a small moment in a big day, but it obviously resonated as something other than small with me. It enabled me to reassess the perceptions I have of people and the need to listen to my body, which has a way, via energy sources and physicality, of communicating important messages to me.

Upon concluding that I need to be wary of this man, that appearances are not always what they seem to be, the pain in my neck left me.

　

By the end of the market I had turned a pile of CRAP into $170.00! All reports were that it was a very slow day with not the usual number of stall-holders and market goers there. I probably sold a third of my crap, if that. I’m very pleased to report that I travelled home via the tip and threw away a couple of large items. (But yes, I did bring a few boxed back home again!! I figure, I have the space, I enjoy going to the market, and if I can earn a little extra lunch money... why not!)

Here's me at the market selling my Crap

After a shower and tidy up, I took the children out to lunch to their favourite child friendly restaurant. We had a fantastic meal, they played on the equipment, I had opportunity to read quietly and while my son played computer games my daughter and I coloured in with felt tip pens. A fun, relaxing afternoon.

　

Day 13 observations:

• Take care of your physical form. It is the vessel that holds our truth. Listen to your body and trust the messages you receive.

　

Day 11 - "Bigger, better and bawdy as always"

Crap cleared: Make up and other old toiletry items

　

Inside the bathroom cupboard I found my dad, a theatre director, an old admirer and a little bit of fear. When you take your time to clear the clutter and clean your space without hurrying, your mind starts to wander, and if you allow it, you’ll be surprised where you end up.

Mum and I speak on the phone a couple of times a week and we can easily natter for hours every time. Dad, on the other hand, is always short, sharp and to the point: "How ya going? Good? Everything all right? Good. How’s the kids? So, you’re ok then? Alright, I’ll pass you over to Mum!" It’s funny though, when Mum goes away for whatever reason and he’s home alone, the first thing he does is phone me for a great big chat. I love it when I have a technical issue and need to speak with Dad. Like when the toilet didn’t stop running and he talked me through how to fix the cistern. Or when I was digging a diversion trench in the back yard due to the recent floodwaters and my pick hit and cracked an underground pipe, and he talked me through how to fix it. Or when my chook stopped laying and seemed sick and he was able to diagnose her problem and describe the course of action. If Mum would let him he’d be on a plane and heading this way tomorrow, to come and mow my lawn for me, but she says he has to Clear the CRAP out of his garage first!

My parents live over 2000km away and we usually see each other face-to-face once or twice a year. My Dad has left a suitcase of clothes and toiletries here, so that he can travel without luggage when he comes to visit. When Clearing the CRAP from my bathroom this evening, Dad’s toilet bag was definitely one item that had to stay.

I didn’t know why Paul Bennet ("Soapy") suddenly popped into my mind this morning as I was driving to school. He was also over 2000km away and was the director of a couple of Revues that I performed in back in my university days in Hobart. I hadn’t seen him since those days, many years ago. Today I saw an image that reminded me of one of these shows and so I googled it to remember what year it was. On the Old Nick Theatre Company website I found out that Soapy passed away last Saturday. We were not close and had no contact since those uni days, but we bonded well back then and I was sad to hear the news.

I reflected on how Soapy’s memory came to me this morning, and wondered why. I thought of the coincidences of the day and got a feeling that perhaps he came to say farewell this morning. I am touched to know that he came to check in with those who touched his life on this planet, before he went off to join the universal light.

Moisture from the seemingly perpetual rain

preceding the Jan 2011 Brisbane flood

caused mould problems in my house,

so as I scrubbed the mould

 from the inside of the bathroom cupboard,

I continued reminiscing...

There was a guy in that 1991 Uni Revue that I sorta liked - he was a fellow performer, but more experienced and quite talented - I’m a sucker for people in positions of authority or power. I think he kinda liked me back, but nothing ever happened between us. He was so confident on stage and could play his roles with such ease, but socially was very shy and insecure. (Interesting how these characteristics also describe my ex-husband - confident when on the sports stage, yet socially he was totally inept). I too was shy, in that I was never able to talk comfortably with and openly express my feelings to a guy. (It was great to see that he had developed a career in the entertainment industry and was still on the stage)

Growing up, I faced rejection from boys. Any guy who I really liked, never liked me back. The first time it happened, (my first point of pain) it hurt and confused me and, although I did not consciously recognise it at the time. I developed a defence mechanism to protect myself, a wall to protect my heart. I would (usually) only attract those who I was not attracted to. Operating out of fear, I developed a self-concept of unworthiness and so I tried to portray an image of a person that I thought people would like. I did not know my true self. People have told me that many men find tall, attractive, confident & out-going women intimidating and, when confronted with their own fears of rejection, become scared to approach them - the story of my life!

Now that I am on an inner journey and recognise the belief behind my experiences in relationships with men, I am able to understand and let go of the attached emotions. I now understand how fear can effect me and I am learning to deal with it. I do not have to worry about what people think of me - a trait that has governed my life. I am free to be open and honest; tell it like it is, and be ok with that.

I wrote the following reply on The Mad Men Guide to Changing the World with Words the other day:
　

　By acting within the realms of our fears,

we build an image of ourselves that we show to the world.

We use this facade to protect ourselves from being hurt or rejected

and we don’t acknowledge our true thoughts and feelings.

By facing fear head on – really looking at what it is, where it came from

and the beliefs that sit behind it – we discover who we really are...

I’m finally looking within and sharing my real self with the world.

Facing your fears is scary…. and so liberating.

So go forth and be creative,

with no attachment to the outcome.

You will truly discover yourself and be free.

Things that had to be cleared from the bathroom were the items I have not used in a very long time, particularly the gigantic pump-action 750ml tub of Vaseline Intensive Care hand cream that I know I’ve had for over 3 years. I used to keep it on the kitchen bench and moisturise my hands many times in the day, until I discovered Nana May’s Magic Hands. This salt and oil scrub requires only a single application daily, and your hands remain moisturised, soft and smooth, no matter how many times you wash your hands in the day. It’s all natural, hand made and fabulous for any dry, itchy skin and particularly effective to get rid of cracked heals and skin conditions like eczema and dermatitis. Yes, I do sell the stuff, so follow the links to my Facebook shop to get your hands on some and then get it on your hands!! The Vaseline hand cream was retired to under the kitchen sink along with all the other chemicals where it belonged.

Some old make up had to be thrown away as well. I remember a recent post by my friend and founder of Oradess make-up innovations that mentioned the shelf life of make up.

Did you know that sorbolene, petroleum jelly and fluoride mouth rinse don’t have used by dates? Some of those items that I had to clear were years old and definitely not good any more.

Here’s the crap I cleared from the bathroom today:

　

　

　

Day 11 observations:

• I love my Dad and my old friends; my family and my new friends and feel comforted knowing that we are united forever in light. (Think I’ll make that my new final salutation in correspondence)
• I can identify the fear that sits behind my beliefs and behaviours, understand it, let it go, lose attachment to outcomes, be comfortable with me and be free.