Day 32 - My love-hate relationship with the lawnmower

Well it would be nice if I was going to describe the guy who mows my grass... but this is simply a rant about the blue, 4-stroke, 158cc Victa!

When I go out and get dirty and ride the Victa I’m truly satisfied!!

...about a job well done in the yard, of course... what were you thinking??

For me, mowing the lawn is symbolic for all of the indoor and outdoor chores that I do, which would "normally" be done by the man about the house. I love that I am a strong, independent, single woman and attribute it to my treasured childhood growing up on the farm. I value my practicality and resourcefulness. When the grass has been neatly trimmed, and other yard duties completed, (eg. pruning trees, cleaning gutters, creating an ag-pipe drainage system!) I enjoy standing back and admiring the job well done and the look of my property.

It's probably not good to feel proud of oneself,

but I do value the sense of achievement I feel

when I do a "man’s job" such as mowing the lawn.

Even if we engage less frequently than we should,

I love my lawnmower.

That said, I still have moments, usually when something goes wrong and the damn thing (or other equipment) is not working, or if something else has effected me, when I can feel sorry for myself and wish I had someone else to do the lawn for me. I had an episode like that today when pushing through the thick grass that should have been tended to weeks ago, and the tears were rolling down my face as I plodded back and forth. Self-defeating thoughts like: Why do I have to be alone all the time? Why don’t I have someone else to do this for me? Why am I not good enough for anyone? Why doesn’t any man like me?

I hate my lawnmower. 

The strange thing is that I don’t really long to have a man in my life. Sure it may be nice, but it would be an imposition and stressor more than anything else. (perhaps just initially and I’m just saying this to make myself feel better)

Episodes where I get all sad and cranky about my circumstance are much less frequent or long lasting now than what they have been in the past. So, I soon shook myself out of that mind-pattern and continued to enjoy being outside in the fresh (noisy) air.

See... it really needs mowing!

Today there were two instances to do with relationships that really got my goat.

I read a blog from an American woman who needed to move states for work. She was living in a new city with her child, while her husband remained in the old home until it sold. She said that she is now experiencing what it is like to be a single mother.

Pheewth!!

(I cant send a link because I can’t remember the name of the blog. I was offended and chose not to bookmark the page in any way)

I liken this with women whose husbands go away for work for periods of time. Yes, those women do need to look after the children all by themselves and make huge sacrefices and may need to make some decisions by themselves, and it is hard, but this is NOT the same as being a single mother.

They have not suffered the tragedy that is the loss of a marriage/partnership that resulted in the children, and they still have their partner available, even if it is just on the phone at times. They still have someone there who loves them, and cares for them and supports them. They are not alone.

Secondly, I came across a facebook page that was inviting people to have a whinge and get things off their chest. A woman was complaining about her husband. It really irks me when I hear people criticising their partner (and yes, I have been guilty of it also in the past). Why can't people just be thankful for the love that they have and if it is an unhealthy relationship, quit it! Complaining is all about making yourself out to be better than the other.

　

Ok, rant over... Now I’ll go back to my pretence of being a humble identity - who lives in hope of ditching the Victa and finding a real life Victor, Vincent or maybe even a Victoria!

Crap cleared: Megga amounts of lawn clippings


Day 32 observations:

• I am becoming conscious of my ego, which complains about single life and my internal voice that tells me negative things about myself. I know that awareness and ego can’t occur at the same time. My old mental patterns are being recognised and broken down as my awareness grows.

Day 21 - Blood, Lies, Shame & Messages of Truth

Crap cleared: Medical Boxes

My daughter hurt herself at school two days ago and needed three stitches in her thumb. We followed doctor’s orders and kept it dry for 48 hours with the bandage on. Tonight it was time to change the dressing and inspect the damage.

I had prepared the children for the potential shock of what it would look like, by demonstrating with a tomato! I sliced into it, until a piece was hanging on my just a thread, to emulate her thumb, and had three needles with thread at the ready to quickly put in the stitches. I also showed how the doctor was going to remove them in an attempt to ease any anxiety over the procedure.



I thought a picture of a tomato would be much nicer
than a picture of a bloody stitched thumb!



The cotton pad over the wound was stuck to the cut with dried blood. The best way to remove it and the two butterfly adhesive strips underneath would be to soak it. I prepared a dish of water with a little antiseptic and do you think I could get my daughter to stick her thumb in it? She screamed and cried for a VERY long time before I could convince her that it wasn’t going to hurt. I finally found a strategy to get her to wet her thumb and soak the dressing.

It was past bedtime and she was tired and we were both getting frustrated. I just could not get her to trust me when I said that it wasn’t going to hurt her; that I loved her more than anything and was doing the best thing for her; that I would never do anything to hurt her; that I do not lie. I DO NOT LIE.

　

I told her that someone had lied to me

and it hurt me very, very much,

for a very long time;

and I reiterated;

I do not lie.

In that very moment I was jolted by the profound realisation of how deeply the lies of my ex-husband effected my attitude toward always telling the truth, never hiding anything, and my reaction if someone does not believe what I am saying.

My husband lied to me for the 14 years that we were together. He had a secret and the night he told me what it was marked the beginning of the end of my marriage.

He lied directly, by saying he went some place or did some thing, when really he went or did some thing else. He lied indirectly, by only giving out certain information and not disclosing the full truth. I put my ultimate trust in this man and found out that the whole time we were together, I was being deceived. My life, as I knew it, was based on falsehood. What I thought was real, was make believe.

How do you learn to trust people again, when the person you trusted most in the world was living a lie? I became afraid to let down my guard. I believe that you never, ever truly know someone. Everyone has a secret part of themselves that they do not show to anyone. I wondered if I could ever trust again, as that could again expose me to the hell of betrayal.

Mmmmm.... Tomatos!!

　

Today, on Dare to be Remarkable, I read:

　

"What once shamed you

now graces you and others"

　

How timely and absolutely perfect.

The shame I felt from having chosen someone who was so sly, that he was able to make me believe that he was someone he was not, was soul-destroying.

I was so shut down by what had occurred in my life that I hid the truth from my family and friends for years. With time (and a whole heap of treatments) comes healing, and I was slowly able to give out more details.

Now that I am completing the Clear the CRAP process, I am being totally open and honest for the first time in my life. I am willing to expose myself (warts and all). I am no longer hiding anything about my marriage or myself, and it is the best thing that I could ever do.

As I share myself with others, I aim to help bring about their healing.

　

　

"Your greatest life messages

and your most effective ministry

 will come out of your deepest hurts"

~ Rick Warren

While dressing my daughters thumb
I took the opportunity to Clear the Crap
out of my First Aid boxes.

Day 21 observations:

• Tell the truth! When you reveal the truth about yourself, you discover your true self. (Ohhh, I like that one... you can quote me!!)

Day 19 - Yeah, i believe in this - but it may be time to let it go.

Crap cleared: items from the warehouse
 

My frame of mind effected the number of sales that I had at the market today.

Once a month I attend a local village market to share my i believe in this home decor, wall art and giftware. There’s really not enough foot traffic to make it a financially worthwhile event, but it’s a safe environment to take the children with me and it provides a chance to ‘get rid of’ some stock. I say it like this because I have stock from a previous venture that I need to move and no real means of distribution at the moment, other than an online store that I don’t put a lot of energy into.

I was so happy to see this gorgeous time piece go to a woman who fell in love with it and said she had the perfect spot for it in her home.

　

Winston Clock  107cm x 98cm  $99.00

　

It was raining during market set up, so a negative cloud was already hovering overhead. It’s so horrible to get everything wet, and the freshly mown grass was sticking to the tent walls. I couldn’t put any cardboard boxes or cane baskets on the ground. Then after unloading the gear, as there were fewer stall-holders than normal, I decided to relocate my tent to a better position. Well, I found out later that the new spot where I planted the tent was right on top of a green ant nest!

　

People must have thought the ants were in my pants

with the way I was prancing around inside and around my stall -

but the movement was only to try to stop them

crawling up and biting my feet and ankles.

And they hurt so much!!

　

Well... then my daughter got bitten... She reacts badly to any insect bite, but the screaming and carry-on that followed a green ant bite was just awful. I had only had a few sales and was really starting to question why I put myself through the drama and hard physical work of setting up tent, tables and stock and packing it all up again. Not to mention the fiasco that comes with having to take the kids along with me. It really is an effort - particularly when there is only a small amount of sales.

I also started to face some kind of internal paradox due to my current crap-clearing process. These items, however beautiful to decorate a home, may one day be considered by the purchaser to be their crap!

Maybe it’s time I finally let go of this retail arm of my business?

And then my daughter started whingeing about her thumb. She was hurt yesterday and now has three stitches - her first big injury. Her constant whingeing was effecting my vibe and ability to interact with customers. So we had a chat about positivity and sending out good energy. Soon after she had settled and we found an activity to keep her happy, I became happier and I began making some good sales. Amazing how one persons frame of mind can effect the surrounding atmosphere.

　

Here’s a few more items that went off to lovely new homes today:

　

　

Falling Flowers  100cm x 47cm  $75



Bodice  67 x 30 x 9cm  $55

 

Fern in Pot  100cm x 82cm  $55

　

   Day 19 observations:

• I need to continually work on not letting other people’s issues effect my internal being. I must incorporate a protection process into my daily morning routine.

Day 11 - "Bigger, better and bawdy as always"

Crap cleared: Make up and other old toiletry items

　

Inside the bathroom cupboard I found my dad, a theatre director, an old admirer and a little bit of fear. When you take your time to clear the clutter and clean your space without hurrying, your mind starts to wander, and if you allow it, you’ll be surprised where you end up.

Mum and I speak on the phone a couple of times a week and we can easily natter for hours every time. Dad, on the other hand, is always short, sharp and to the point: "How ya going? Good? Everything all right? Good. How’s the kids? So, you’re ok then? Alright, I’ll pass you over to Mum!" It’s funny though, when Mum goes away for whatever reason and he’s home alone, the first thing he does is phone me for a great big chat. I love it when I have a technical issue and need to speak with Dad. Like when the toilet didn’t stop running and he talked me through how to fix the cistern. Or when I was digging a diversion trench in the back yard due to the recent floodwaters and my pick hit and cracked an underground pipe, and he talked me through how to fix it. Or when my chook stopped laying and seemed sick and he was able to diagnose her problem and describe the course of action. If Mum would let him he’d be on a plane and heading this way tomorrow, to come and mow my lawn for me, but she says he has to Clear the CRAP out of his garage first!

My parents live over 2000km away and we usually see each other face-to-face once or twice a year. My Dad has left a suitcase of clothes and toiletries here, so that he can travel without luggage when he comes to visit. When Clearing the CRAP from my bathroom this evening, Dad’s toilet bag was definitely one item that had to stay.

I didn’t know why Paul Bennet ("Soapy") suddenly popped into my mind this morning as I was driving to school. He was also over 2000km away and was the director of a couple of Revues that I performed in back in my university days in Hobart. I hadn’t seen him since those days, many years ago. Today I saw an image that reminded me of one of these shows and so I googled it to remember what year it was. On the Old Nick Theatre Company website I found out that Soapy passed away last Saturday. We were not close and had no contact since those uni days, but we bonded well back then and I was sad to hear the news.

I reflected on how Soapy’s memory came to me this morning, and wondered why. I thought of the coincidences of the day and got a feeling that perhaps he came to say farewell this morning. I am touched to know that he came to check in with those who touched his life on this planet, before he went off to join the universal light.

Moisture from the seemingly perpetual rain

preceding the Jan 2011 Brisbane flood

caused mould problems in my house,

so as I scrubbed the mould

 from the inside of the bathroom cupboard,

I continued reminiscing...

There was a guy in that 1991 Uni Revue that I sorta liked - he was a fellow performer, but more experienced and quite talented - I’m a sucker for people in positions of authority or power. I think he kinda liked me back, but nothing ever happened between us. He was so confident on stage and could play his roles with such ease, but socially was very shy and insecure. (Interesting how these characteristics also describe my ex-husband - confident when on the sports stage, yet socially he was totally inept). I too was shy, in that I was never able to talk comfortably with and openly express my feelings to a guy. (It was great to see that he had developed a career in the entertainment industry and was still on the stage)

Growing up, I faced rejection from boys. Any guy who I really liked, never liked me back. The first time it happened, (my first point of pain) it hurt and confused me and, although I did not consciously recognise it at the time. I developed a defence mechanism to protect myself, a wall to protect my heart. I would (usually) only attract those who I was not attracted to. Operating out of fear, I developed a self-concept of unworthiness and so I tried to portray an image of a person that I thought people would like. I did not know my true self. People have told me that many men find tall, attractive, confident & out-going women intimidating and, when confronted with their own fears of rejection, become scared to approach them - the story of my life!

Now that I am on an inner journey and recognise the belief behind my experiences in relationships with men, I am able to understand and let go of the attached emotions. I now understand how fear can effect me and I am learning to deal with it. I do not have to worry about what people think of me - a trait that has governed my life. I am free to be open and honest; tell it like it is, and be ok with that.

I wrote the following reply on The Mad Men Guide to Changing the World with Words the other day:
　

　By acting within the realms of our fears,

we build an image of ourselves that we show to the world.

We use this facade to protect ourselves from being hurt or rejected

and we don’t acknowledge our true thoughts and feelings.

By facing fear head on – really looking at what it is, where it came from

and the beliefs that sit behind it – we discover who we really are...

I’m finally looking within and sharing my real self with the world.

Facing your fears is scary…. and so liberating.

So go forth and be creative,

with no attachment to the outcome.

You will truly discover yourself and be free.

Things that had to be cleared from the bathroom were the items I have not used in a very long time, particularly the gigantic pump-action 750ml tub of Vaseline Intensive Care hand cream that I know I’ve had for over 3 years. I used to keep it on the kitchen bench and moisturise my hands many times in the day, until I discovered Nana May’s Magic Hands. This salt and oil scrub requires only a single application daily, and your hands remain moisturised, soft and smooth, no matter how many times you wash your hands in the day. It’s all natural, hand made and fabulous for any dry, itchy skin and particularly effective to get rid of cracked heals and skin conditions like eczema and dermatitis. Yes, I do sell the stuff, so follow the links to my Facebook shop to get your hands on some and then get it on your hands!! The Vaseline hand cream was retired to under the kitchen sink along with all the other chemicals where it belonged.

Some old make up had to be thrown away as well. I remember a recent post by my friend and founder of Oradess make-up innovations that mentioned the shelf life of make up.

Did you know that sorbolene, petroleum jelly and fluoride mouth rinse don’t have used by dates? Some of those items that I had to clear were years old and definitely not good any more.

Here’s the crap I cleared from the bathroom today:

　

　

　

Day 11 observations:

• I love my Dad and my old friends; my family and my new friends and feel comforted knowing that we are united forever in light. (Think I’ll make that my new final salutation in correspondence)
• I can identify the fear that sits behind my beliefs and behaviours, understand it, let it go, lose attachment to outcomes, be comfortable with me and be free.

Day 9 - Gaining awareness of thought projections

Crap cleared: homosexuality and minority group prejudice

　

Today I examined the topics of homosexuality, racial prejudice, 11:11, my ex-husband, procrastination and the image I present to the world. It was a HUGE day. I have been on a tremendous emotional journey and while I feel a great amount of healing and self-actualisation has taken place, I now lack the energy and literary capacity to document the details tonight.

I confronted my past and social conditioning that led to prior held notions relating to sexuality and race. At some stage I might interpret and rewrite the hand written notes I made throughout the day, but for now, all I can say is that I sorted out some pretty heavy crap held in my mind.

At one stage this afternoon I found myself getting really angry. It overwhelmed me and also made me feel tired and sick. I really could not function well after that. It wasn’t until later that I realised the anger, anxiety and lack of energy that suddenly overcame me, happened just after contact with my ex-husband. This is not the first time it has happened.

I think that the more I clear myself within, the more I tend to take on the energy of others around me. This evening I realised why proximity to my ex is so damaging to me. I believe I energetically internalise his thought projections. This would have been happening to me, the whole time we were together. As I gain a greater understanding of the energetic world, I can start to see how his vibration effects me.

Time for a little chakra cleansing, re-energising and a deep sleep. Goodnight xxx

　

　

Day 9 observations:

• I am now equipped to go within, search my energy centres and discover blockages, identify any issues, address them and return to a state of love. (WHEW!!!)
• In future I will protect myself from my ex-husbands thought projections and cleanse my energy centres post contact with him.

Day 3 - Exploring inner motivations and healing

Crap cleared: box of craft material

　

The wardrobe in the spare room is piled high with large plastic tubs of CRAP - namely clothes I no longer wear, children’s paintings, awards and memorabilia, photos, Christmas decorations and craft material (fabric, wool, cross-stitch stuff, cardboard and utensils for card-making, beads etc). My aim was to reduce two tubs of craft material down to one.

It was interesting sorting through the tubs as I found so many lovely things that I forgot that I had. Beautiful and useful things that I was keeping for... "one day" when I wanted to fix or make something. It’s been ages since I worked on any crafty projects.

Strangely, at one stage when I was sorting what to keep and what to throw away, I really became overwhelmed. It’s hard to describe. I felt slightly panicked and anxious over the requirement I had placed on myself. Wow... where was this coming from? I was teary - it was bizarre. My close friend, the attitude of lack, had come to visit again and was asking me what would happen if one day I needed those items and didn’t have them any more.

Both of my parents lost absolutely every thing in Germany in WWII. They were strong and resourceful and built a secure and comfortable life for themselves here in Australia, where I was born. They were thrifty and frugal and I believe I have adopted their need to hold on to things... because you just might need them one day!

When dining, it was and continues to be annoying and often embarrassing when with company, to have my father insist that I eat more. He will say "have some more", "eat this", "finish this off", "come on, eat up - you don’t know when your gonna get your next meal." He suffered great loss and starvation in his childhood, and of course it shaped his adult behaviours and attitudes. I have always felt that I had a different attitude to war than my friends. My views were influenced by the shocking stories my parents shared and I now realise that I have internalised their sorrow and fear of losing everything all over again. Perhaps this is why I feel so very deeply for the flood and earthquake victims who have lost everything, because, through my parents’ experience, it’s like I know what it’s like.

Now, as I examine my need to hold onto things, I feel like I’m contradicting myself, because those who have lost everything will tell you that they only lost material possessions, and that means absolutely nothing in comparison to human life.

From the start of the day I could feel a knot in the top of my stomach. It was like a ball of churning anxiety, like pins and needles or butterflies, that would not go away. After my weekend healing course I identified that I would benefit from a daily meditation to "clear the internal crap" and bring back the clarity and love I found within. Finally at 2.30pm, after having this congestion (that I know was sitting in my solar plexus chakra) with me constantly, I made my way to my special spot.

I tried to perform an emotional healing technique that I learnt on the weekend on myself. It didn’t work - there was nothing there.

So I sat with my congestion. I drew my attention to my solar plexus to see what was there.

WOW!!!

I saw that I was imbalanced. I had been focusing and taking action on a new activity, at the expense of all the other things I need to do in my daily round. The energy was blocked and I was able to break it down and spread it to where it needed to go.

And I also realised that I was holding imbalance in this area of my body that did not belong to me. The pain and sorrow of events in the world were sitting there. I saw that I had taken on others’ issues... and I let them go.

By 3pm when I went to get the kids, that feeling in my stomach was gone!





So here it is - two tubs of CRAP reduced to one tub of CRAP.

(I’m looking forward to defining that term soon.)

Today....was awesome!

　

　

Day 3 observations:

I recognise the source of my attitude toward holding on to material possessions. I acknowledge it and let it go.

I am a healer. I am able to use the universal light to bring clarity to my being.

 

Day 1 - Talking to Mum

Crap cleared: 5 tops

It was clean. I had tried it on a couple of days ago when getting dressed in the morning and it didn't feel right, so I threw it onto the bed and returned my attention to the wardrobe to search for something else to wear. The white top then, over the course of the next few days of an unmade bed and busy times, slid it's way to the floor where it waited, lost in a growing pile of clothes, which I stepped over many times, each time thinking, 'I must sort that CRAP on the floor' and each time I managed to ignore the mess and carry on with my day.

As I stood, arms outstretched, I wondered if I would ever really feel like wearing that old white top again. It was too short. It would make a good rag! "Oh, just get rid of it", I thought and I probably said it out aloud as well - to... noone. So I crumpled it up again and threw it through the open door into the hallway.

 

This happened shortly after I hung up from speaking with my Mum on the phone. She lives interstate and we chat a couple of times a week on the phone. We both find that this is a marvelous time to get the housework done. We can chat for hours non-stop while we each work around the house doing chores. Today when talking to Mum, I fed the chooks, swept the back verandah, cleaned bins and put the rubbish out, changed the sheets on my bed, put them in the machine to wash, cleaned the kitchen bench, and ironed about 12 tops, two pants and a skirt. I have to say it was the most domestically productive I've been all week.

 

Mum was busy cleaning out her study which was full of paper. Everywhere! I know the room and I know how it can get. No space... crap on the floor, crap all over the desk, crap all over the couch such that you can't sit on it, crap all over the chair, piles and piles of CRAP. She's expecting visitors on the weekend and needs to clean up. She had heaps of recipies that she was sorting through and I was trying to get her to just throw it all out. She has so many recipies and piles of magazines with recipies and things she wants to read "one day", and pages ripped out of magazines with recipies and when ever she looks to make something, she always just goes back to the same two old, tattered, tried and tested, german recipe books that she has referred to for the last 40 years! And today she said to me that she doesn't even like cooking that much any more. It's so easy to tell someone else what they should be doing to clear out their crap, but to apply it to my self....

I had commented to Mum that I need to clean out my linen closet, because it's choc-a-bloc full and I just can't fit anything in there any more. When remaking my bed and looking for a new pillow case, I counted 42 pillowcases!! There are only 3 beds in this house. How many pillowcases does one need? Now, that's not to mention the two pillowcases that I'd just put in the wash, the two that were on the childrens beds, the other 4 clean ones that were on my bed and the couple that are in the clean washing basket waiting to be folded and put away. "I'll have to sort out those pillow cases and get rid of some one day", I thought to myself, as I struggled to fit them all back in the closet after counting.

How could I ever bring myself to cull my pillowcases? They're all so good. They're useful. I might need them one day! If I was to clean out the cupboard, I'd have to just retire them to a plastic container, which would then clutter up the garage, just in case I ever needed some fabric for... something.

 

So, I picked up the white singlet-top for the second time and folded it up. It's still too good to be used as a rag, maybe I could sell it at the market, I thought. What an attitude of lack - I have got to change this. So I set myself the task of finding four more tops that I no longer wear to get rid of as well.

And from that came the idea and the desire to set myself a challenge to find something, even if it's just a small thing, to get rid of every day. Something that I no longer use -  no longer need. Something that's just creating clutter and sucking up my current energy. That's emittting old energies that I don't need around any more.

The desire to "clear the CRAP' also came about as a result of my participation in a healing course over the weekend. We cleared and energised our chakras, and performed emotional healing techniques and I had some profound experiences. I was feeling really cleansed on the inside. I felt my chakras and aura were clear, my energy centers revitalised, my emotional issues dealt with. I got home to a dirty, cluttered, tired looking home. I need to clear and cleanse it.... so, let the challenge begin.

I plan to blog daily to describe the CRAP that I am clearing, but also provide some background as I go along, which will make this a healing process, as I remember, feel and let go of the items and any emotions or beliefs associated with them or what they represent.

And to share my life, my background, issues and CRAP, is to expose myself and show my vulnerability. This will be very new for me. I had a breakthrough on the weekend when I saw unconditional love and finally know that I can love myself. I no longer need to satisfy anyone's expectations. I don't have to try to please anyone, or try to make myself look good in their eyes. I can be detached from outcomes.

I am what I am.

I am me.

I am light.

I am love.

I know that now.

Day 1 observations:

• When designing the image for this blog a scribbled out ladybug came about. The ladybug represents my Mum and the scribble signifies a breaking away. A breakage from the expectations that I developed for myself throughout my life to date and a breakage from the attitude of lack, both of which stem from childhood conditioning.
• I understand that I work best when I have a deadline to meet and I am accountable to others. I recognise and accept that my motivation to take action is low when there’s just me. Public notification of my challenge makes me accountable to any readers.
• The header and background for this blog is a busy mess. This is representative of the current state of clutter in my surrounds. This site will evolve and become clearer as I clear the CRAP.