I have become aware of invisible walls that block the energy flow in my space and disrupt my natural rhythm. It comes from having my father stay with me for such an extended period of time.
I feel nature being disrupted by major earthworks in my space, as construction of a new residential property development has begun across the road.
I am conscious of the conflict being created within my children, as I teach conformity to rules and stifle their spirit.
I continue to observe how my personal performance expectations impact on my emotions and behaviour. It requires constant attention to try and hold myself in a position of self-acceptance and allow all things to just be, without offering resistance.
There is so much swirling negative energy
around me at the moment,
but today I discovered a new way
to get myself out of a bad mood
and manage this negativity.
Again my son was not ready for school on time. Constant reminders to hurry up fall on deaf ears. All the strategies I have employed over the last year or more have not worked to produce consistent results. I can't seem to get through... and it is frustrating the CRAP out of me!
I'm sure it's all so "normal" for a child of this age. But I AM NOT NORMAL. I don't want to be normal - if it means having an irresponsible boy who just got kicked out of Literacy Club for being lazy!
I do not want to spend the next ten years of my life repeating these constant reminders that fall on deaf ears.
So this morning when I had not heard any violin practice and walked passed an unmade bed, then found my son outside on the veranda reading a book while waiting to go to school, I couldn't contain it any more. After announcing the time periodically throughout the morning and our conversation the night before, my annoyance surfaced.
We did what we needed to and got to school on time and when I returned to the car after having to speak with my daughters teacher, I just sat there...
I just sat.
In the quiet of the car.
I just sat.
Observing the quiet.
Aware of the space around me.
I still felt the anger, the frustration, and I did not want to take it home with me.
I just sat in the car.
In the silence a couple of tears fell.
I noticed some bird calls and vehicle noises.
I recognised that this location was different from home
and I could leave my anger and frustration there.
I'm not sure how long I sat.
Maybe 10 or 20 minutes. Longer.
But I felt I needed to remain in the stillness and just be with my resistance,
until those negative emotions left me.
And they did.
When I had allowed the anger and frustration to move through me and out,
I started the engine and went home.
I have not added to this blog for a little while. Not because of a lack of desire and I'm so pleased to say that my crap-clearing has continued, but the ability to express myself in writing escaped me. Interestingly I found another creative outlet with my painting and drawing.
I feel as though acknowledging the negative energy flow around me, and sitting with it in silence and stillness, has allowed it to disperse. I have found a way to operate within the negative flow and return to my written expression. In the silence I was able to reconnect with my inner essence, dissolve the effects of external influences, and find my peace.
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Now, for this blog post I would much rather share a colourful image like this...
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| "Colour Splash" by Jo Behlau 2011 29cm x 41xm pastel on card |
than a crappy picture of me sitting in a pile of Crap...
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| Two garbage bins full of CRAP Cleared out of the garage the other day |
But, it is what it is !!
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