Day 79 - Releasing the real me from behind a mask of conformity

I recall times at school, and perhaps also in adult vocational training, when I was instructed to document the "roles" that I perform: sister, student, sports team member, shop assistant, etc. Analysis followed on how behaviour can adjust, depending on the role that is being played.

I imagine this was the instructor's way of trying to help students answer the question:

" Who am I ? "

Or perhaps the intent may have been to teach conformity to school rules, company policy or social norms; to have students think about how they are "supposed to act" in different situations, or around different people, answering the question: "What am I supposed to do?".

It is such a shame that we were taught how to be actors
and not how to be ourselves.

Of course there is the requirement to function in our community, so a level of conformity is necessary. And in the past I have felt good about how well I managed to relate to people at all levels of the corporate ladder and in varying social situations. But I now realise that I never really knew who the " I " from the ' Who am I ' question really was. I had no connection with my inner self.

If only the teacher would have gone that one little extra step to help me realise that these roles I played, were not who I really was... deep inside. My mind had identified with these characters I played, who performed the part according to others' expectations. I would don the mask, take the stage and did what I ought, in order to receive the applause.

If only the teacher would have helped me realise
that the REAL ME,
is the being that 
worn by the conforming role-player.

I always wore a mask. I played the roles in a way that I thought I was supposed to play them. I identified with those roles and thought that was who I was.

It was a lie.

I was trying to be something I was not.

I was trying to please others and do the "right thing" and I felt like I never met their or my own expectations.

My life was always a search for ... "something"... My passion? My true calling? What was I going to do with this life? Always unsatisfied. There was something missing.

But I have found the answer and it lies in getting to know the glow that sits behind the mask.
To know and understand this light that shines from within.

I will find the strength to no longer move in a way that others expect me to...


I am taking off the mask.


Day 78 - Losing sentiment & discovering timelessness

I find that I am constantly Clearing the Crap from the children's bedrooms - clothes that are too small and toys that have been outgrown - I can easily move them on to others, the market pile or the trash.

Rubbish on the floor, lego pieces hiding in corners, inside-out socks everywhere, pencil sharpenings on the carpet... Grrrr, don't get me started!!!!

But I have been keeping one storage box containing the most favoured baby toys - those special items that were the best quality, were expensive, or held sentimental value. I guess I didn't want to see them go because of what they represented:
the era when my children were babies.

I was thinking that if I ever had friends visit with small children, then I could bring out that box for them to have some beautiful items to play with. Realistically... how often does that happen! And in the mean time I have a big storage box taking up space!!!

And then I say to myself... Oh, But these items are timeless and could be passed to my childrens' children... Really!... I'm gonna have that box in my cupboard for the next 30 years!!!

So, the last time that I tidied up the toys in the spare room cupboard....

I took this photo of the lovely items
in the sentimental box of bubby stuff....







And all of those wonderful artistic creations... 

fabulous learning experiences... 

but there comes a time when it just has to go...

Beautiful?    ... Yes

Clutter?   ... Yes


I see that a major reason why we hold onto things is our emotional attachment to them. It's not so much the items themselves, but what they represent - a time gone by, a happy memory, a significant stage of life. We fear that if we lose these things, we will lose that part of ourselves.

But when you take the time to really look into yourself and find who you really are, you see that you are timeless. There is no need to hold onto a previous chapter of your life. Your presence is not dependant upon past experiences or storing physical objects.

The end of an era
The passage of time
We learn
We grow
We move on
We embrace the Now
Without fear of what was or will be


Day 77 - Me and a tiny little spider: Escaping the web of social conditioning.

Through the kitchen window I noticed a spiderweb glistening
in the early morning sunlight and for a moment
I was mesmerised by it's beauty.

I halted the morning rush-hour to marvel at the glory of nature.

How amazingly intricate was this spider and her home for the day.
How breathtakingly mind-blowing is every little creature
and every plant that grows on this earth.

How could I, as a human, possibly be superior to this shimmering web
and this tiny little eight-legged beast?
My body is just as intricate and astounding,
but the only thing that makes us different,
is my capacity to think.

When I switch off my mind, Mr Spider and I are totally equal.

I then thought of my father and how he believes humans to be the masters of all other things. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Dad) But not only that, he believes certain humans to be more superior than other humans.

His racist views were openly expressed in our household when I was growing up, and naturally via the force of social conditioning, I adopted his opinions, to a certain extent.

I grew up and learnt to be more accepting of those who looked different from me, or had different customs and beliefs. And in more recent times I have learnt so much about being judgemental and what it reflects about myself. I have changed my views (for the better) over time, but still wonder why my father, to this day, as an immigrant to this country and considering his history, is so bigoted.

This concept of superiority passed on from my father developed the high expectations I always held for myself, and ultimately contributed to how unhappy I was, by never being able to meet those expectations.

Now, as I go about my daily round, I am so aware of the influence that I have on my children. My every action, every word, is creating impressions on them. And while I am conscious of this and parent to the best of my ability, I wonder as to the beliefs I am creating in their minds. What emotional issues am I causing that will bring them grief later in their lives?

I have spent my life to date picking up other people's crap in order to function in this society and now I will spend the rest of my life (or a little while anyway) undoing it all.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~ 

Crap Cleared:  
A few dusty old memories and conditioned beliefs that were cluttering the far reaches of my mind.

I am equal to all things.

Social conditioning is essential in order to function in our society, but it is through examining ourselves and consciously observing our reactions to situations, we do not let it define us.

I am not my mind and can switch it off to be at one with nature.

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