Day 84 - 90 A Training… A Workout… A Lifestyle...

So I have cleared out some crap from my mind,
as a result of decluttering my home;
processed a lot of suppressed emotions along the way;
and discovered my connection with spirit.

Now it's time to clear the crap from my BODY.

As I write this, I am half way through munching a packet of Roast Tomato & Balsamic flavoured rice crackers - the first of the bad habits that have to go.... late night munching. It is purely the crunch sensation that I am addicted to and I can just as easily snack through a whole packet of plain cardboard-tasting rice cakes in an evening, while sitting at the computer for hours and hours... bad habits #2 and #3 - spending too much time online and too much time sitting.

Too many months of sedentary.
The lapsed gym membership.
Poor diet.

Time for a new focus, Baby!!!

I fell in love with NIA back in April or May and knew from the very first class that I participated in that I would be fully integrating this practice into my life and may possibly teach it myself one day.

I truly get lost in the movement, the moment, the sensation and "dance like no one is watching". It's hard to describe my attraction to NIA. I just know that this is something that I must embrace in my life.

I know that this will be the thing that brings my body to where I want it to be, in terms of fitness, and the healing of my current aches and pains. I know that this will be the thing that brings me into my body. It will provide the vehicle for me to finally feel comfortable with myself physically, emotionally and spiritually.

This morning I fly out to attend a NIA Intensive Training. I will be doing my White Belt. I'm excited, scared and full of anticipation for what will transpire over the next 7 long days.

NIA - which stands for Neuromuscular Integrative Action - is a new trend in mind-body wellness. It is the most advanced form of fusion fitness, blending martial arts, healing arts, dance, and spiritual self-healing to create a high-powered, synergistic workout that no isolated exercise technique can match. NIA presents an entirely new philosophy of exercise - one that keeps you in fantastic shape but also helps you rediscover the joy of movement

From the moment you step into Nia, your relationship to your body and your experience of life  changes forever.

Good-bye late night crunching - the new me is arriving.

I can't wait to learn more about this personal growth,
fitness and lifestyle practice.

Then share it with others.


Day 83 - A realisation about CHANGE, Ego, Seuss & Tolle

I have always been afraid of change. Anything that moves me out of the comfort zone of my day to day round causes me stress. I unconsciously delay the completion of many jobs because I am not sure of what life will be like once the the job is completed.

It is often easier to stay with the familiar, even if you are not 100% happy with it, than taking the risk of changing.

I wonder about why people who are "stuck in a rut" and unhappy with their current life circumstance, don't take the required action to change the situation. They may be afraid of the unknown - what is it like on the other side of the required action? But if they are unhappy now, surely what awaits can be no worse. Yet still, they hold back and put up with their current state.

We all have dreams of what we want in life and perhaps set ourselves some goals, but I think the majority of people just leave it as that - a dream; a fantasy; they mustn't truly believe that it can come true. Those that REALLY want the dream, CAN make it happen.

This realisation I had about CHANGE removed an energy block that had me feeling low for a couple of days. I committed to concluding some tasks that really needed my attention and to not worry about what lies on the other side. What ever it is, it can only be better than what I have now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" Addicted to seeking, afraid of arriving "

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These words from  Scott Kalechstein Grace's incredible poem about the Ego describe my hesitation to conclude many tasks. I discovered Scott's work and "Oh, the Places your Ego will Go!" today and love it!

The union of two of my favourite authors.... Brilliant!

"Oh,The Places Your Ego Will Go!"

Your ego will travel with you on this Earth
And be your companion for worser or worse
It pretends it's your friend, your bestest amigo
And it pours on the guilt, that's the mark of the ego

It's there to protect you, to help you be strong
So it has to remind you, you've done it all wrong
You're weak and you're lazy, you don't have a clue
That's your drill sergeant ego, trying to motivate you

The ego wants you to be all you can be
So it gives you these pep talks all day and for free
Oh the places you'll go and the guilt trips you'll travel
As your ego plays judge and bangs down on its gavel

But you always can get some relief from your shame
By projecting it onto the others you'll blame
For that is the Ego at its beastiest best
It nurses its grievances close to its chest

Republicans, liberals, your parents, your ex
The world is just teaming with folks to correct
If only these fools would conform to your ways
You could get on with life, without further delays

The Ego's always finding new gripes to complain about
Turns molehills to mountains of yikes to feel pain about
Sometimes the Ego stuff gets you so stuffy
You come down with a cold or an ouchy, more roughy

But there's no time for rest, so get up out of bed
If you're just here and now, you won't get ahead
Your to do list must buzz like the bees when they're busying
Filling your days till they're endlessly dizzying

Oh the places you'll go and the people you'll see
All through the lenses of, "What's in it for me?"
Cos the Ego believes there is something it lacks
And until it is found, it wont let you relax

Perhaps you'll find it in the next one you date
True love at first sight, with a soul kind of mate
The romance is hot, 'til the climate turns cold
Cos when two halves collide, they do not make a whole

It's great 'til the love gets obscured by control
For when two halves collide, they cannot make a whole

So the Ego moves on, ever constantly striving
Addicted to seeking, afraid of arriving
You're travelling fast, at the speed of surviving
With fear in the drivers seat, doing the driving

Or maybe you're on the fast track of success
You're constantly driven to be great, better, best
You're a mover, a shaker, a real-time achiever
Umph, you're a real self-made man, or a dazzling diva

You're rich and you're famous, and you make quite a splash
You're on top of the world and you're rolling in cash
You drive the right car, you've married the right spouse
Today, lunch with Oprah, tomorrow, the White House

But at night, insecurity pays you a call
Cos you know any time, you could lose it all
Your shrink says to rest, your spouse sure agrees
Your doctor says, "Ulcers! Take 14 of these"

You know you should slow it down sooner or later
But your foot is just glued to that accelerator
Your Ego consoles, "Well at least you're successful
It's a sign of success to be constantly stressful"

You've made it to prime time and everyone loves you
But your self esteem is based on what others think of you
And opinions can change in the blink of an eye
Which is why you need meds just to sleep and get by

One day when you've failed and succeeded enough
You witness your ego exposed in the buff
And you realise behind all it's protective clothing
That the Ego is simply a state of self-loathing

And beyond that you realise the biggest of deals
You've dreamt up the Ego, it's not even real
So for richer, for poorer, in all kinds of health
You make a commitment to loving yourself

You release the projections you placed upon others
And find through forgiveness that peace is discovered
You realise the love that you searched for outside you
Is what you are made of and can't be denied you

So you let go your worries, your plans, your pills
Put some logs on the fire and learn how to chill
Your old superstitions have gone up in smoke
Like you can't rest in peace until after you croak!

You no longer fear death or for that matter life
Cos you know that all matters are safe and alright
While resting in peace you will soon be inspired
To go out in the world with some new-found desires

Desires that spring from your heart and your soul
And wherever they take you, you go in there whole
For the Ego is now in the passenger seat
Lets down the window and takes in the treats

There's no need to hurry, you're taking it slow
Cos the journey's as rich as the places you'll go
Where you are going, you don't need to know
For the journey's as rich as the places you'll go

The journey's as rich as the places you'll go

~ Scott Kalechstein Grace

Crap Cleared:
A fear of change

Never again will I say and accept that "This is my lot in life" and I will aim to complete tasks in a timely manner without fear of what lies ahead.


Day 82 - Journaling from a sad place on lifes' emotional see-saw

Journaling has always been a way of clarifying what is going on for me. It's like the sea of crap that spins in my head somehow becomes ordered in the process of converting whirling thoughts into words in ink on paper, and I feel better as a result.

It is actually well known that journaling can reduce stress, heal, aid problem solving and provide personal growth by enabling improved self understanding.

I used to only write when I was feeling really low. If I was to go back and read old journals it would paint a very depressive picture of my life, as each page was an attempt to understand and remove the emotional pain I was suffering. For me, journaling was a way of releasing my sadness, anger, frustration, or disappointment.

There must have been happy times in my past somewhere... there's just no written record of it!

Now that what I write is public, my egoic desire to be liked is wanting to censor the content, so that the theme of my writing is always optimistic and happy.

Not tonight.

Tonight I want to write about how watching the TV show about dating made me feel so totally inadequate.

I want to write about how I lost sight of the ability to 'go with the flow' when dealing with the water leak on my property and managing it all by myself. It took up a lot of my energy and I became torn between relishing my independence on one hand, and desperately wishing that I didn't have to do it all alone on the other.

I want to write about how I believe myself to be lazy with a lack of direction, focus and drive to do anything in my life.

I want to write about how tired I am because of my bad habits and self-sabotaging behaviours.

I want to write about how hard it would be if I had to face failing yet again.

I want to write about how much I identified with the lyrics of  the Kelly Clarkson song I just listened to.

"Because of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
~ Kelly Clarkson

Tomorrow, when I wake, I will put on my smile and have the spring back in my step.... the perpetual optimist in me trying to paint a positive picture. Either that, or writing is working it's magic yet again!

That's tomorrow - for now, I cry myself to sleep....... again.

Crap Cleared:
Nothing today... I'm just having one of those days!

I see that life is an emotional see-saw and have learnt that it cannot be completely evenly balanced.

Up's cannot exist without Down's. Happy cannot be, without Sad. There can be no Good, if there is no Bad. There needs to be contrast for these things to exist.

I allow myself to take time out when the need arises, to be with my negativity. To simply allow it. Because I have observed myself and  know that before too long, the see-saw will teeter to the other side. I will soon be riding high again.


Day 81 - Going with the flow of life


I sat on the veranda in the late afternoon,

and... well, nothing really...

I just sat.

With paper and pen in hand but no real agenda, the sounds and sights of the early spring near-dusk fully occupied me.

"Afternoon Musings" by Jo Behlau   21cm x 30cm Ink & Pencil on Paper

The tradition I grew up with of:

"Study hard to get a good job";
"Money doesn't grow in trees"; and
"You have to work hard in this life",

does not sit well with my current lifestyle, but I will sit with it a little longer...

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

Today I discovered that for the last three months there has been an undetected water leak on my property. I have been losing, and am yet to pay for, about one litre per minute, in addition to our normal water usage. As I sat on the veranda and considered the action plan for resolving this costly, time consuming, inconveniencing problem, I caught myself being quite calm in a situation that could be made rather stressful.

Was I actually starting to lose resistance
and just Go with the Flow of Life?

So, with ease, I filled some buckets with water, turned off the water-main and will deal with it first thing Monday morning.

And with ease I will welcome each event presented to me in life as a new learning experience and an opportunity to observe my reactions to situations and go with the flow of life.

Crap Cleared
A bit of broken old pipe and pointless stress.

Obstacles will inevitably appear before us - Our reactions to them determine the quality of our life.


Day 80 - This is me !

This is the physical and cognitive me

The real me is hiding deep inside this lump of cells and thoughts

I have only recently become acquainted with the real me - my inner being - my true essence. I found her hiding behind a wall that my physical form created.

On this wall is a picture I had painted of what I thought was me.

Clearing the Crap has created cracks in the wall and I can see what's on the other side and I'm starting to like what I see.

This means that I am finally beginning to be OK with myself, to face my deepest fear and realise that I do not need to please anyone else. I do not need to paint an image of what I think people might like to see on the outside of the wall.

My real me is beautiful and if I can just smash down that wall, it does not matter what other people think when they see what's there.

I have asked my inner being to help me to switch off my mind - that crazy processor of thoughts and conditioned beliefs that deals with all the crap of everyday life, so that she may shine her true beauty on the ruins of the wall.


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