I learnt a lot about myself this year.

I learnt to really be myself.

As I Cleared the Crap from my outer and inner worlds,

I finally let go of trying to be what others expected me to be;

what I expected me to be.

I took off my masks and exposed myself for who I really am.

It was hard.

And I'm still working on it.

Part of coming to terms with who I am,

who I have become,

was to share it openly and publicly

 and to let go of any attachment to the perceptions of others.

I thank all Clear the Crap participants

 for joining me on this venture in 2011

and pray that your 2012 will be

all that you wish it to be.

With respect, love and lots of celebratory bubbles tonight,

Jo

xxx

___________________________________________________________

Three Words to Describe YOU

Determined   Fun-Loving   Sexy   Adaptable   Enthusiastic   Sensitive   Confident   Generous   Sociable   Creative   Energetic   Loyal   Fearless   Dedicated   Friendly   Sassy   Organised   Loveable  

Today's Challenge: List 3 of your positive characteristics.

Remove distractions and sit quietly for a few moments. Think about your strengths. What unique qualities do you bring to the world?

Now, depending on your current circumstance and state of mind, this can be a difficult task to complete. But believe me, if you take the time to just  FIND 3 THINGS - Three Words to Describe YOU - it will be an incredibly uplifting experience.

We all have our own special talents, but rarely do we acknowledge them, or even celebrate them. People can compliment us, but we often down-play the praise. Today is your chance to praise yourself and recognise what a truly valuable person you are.

When you find your three things and write them down,

a most amazing thing happens...
Your outlook for the day changes.

You will feel a little tingle inside -
that warm, fuzzy glow that tells you:

 

"I'M OK.  

 I am a good person.

 I am worthy.

 I am likeable.

 I have talents to share."

And this then gives you that little boost that you may have needed to step out into your day with the drive to achieve the thinigs that you have been thinking about doing.

My three words:

Practical

This is often the first word that comes to my mind when I describe myself. I am practical. I'm down to earth. I am comfortable enjoying the simple things in life. I am grounded and tend not to get swept away with the latest fads and fashion, or influenced by the media.

Growing up on a farm in the country and blessed with parents who passed on their skills and knowledge, I have an ability to fix things, an afinity to finding solutions independently and a sensibility to accept things as they are.

Perhaps this practicality was born from the family background of not being in a financial position to pay for the expertise of others and having to make do with what we had. If that meant going without, I went without. If that meant putting up with something that wasn't perfect or old and we couldn't afford a new one, then I put up with it. If that meant fixing things with a hammer and nail or a bit of wire, then I fixed it.

There was a time when I resented having to do that and wished for what I didn't have or for someone else to do it for me. But I have changed and realised that my past and my life is perfect just the way it is.

Inspiring

For some reason, my community does not look fondly upon people who outwardly describe their talents. If you publicly declare your great achievements and gifts, many others see you as self-involved, vain or selfish. We grow up in a contradictory society which conditions us to be competative and seek success and achievement, yet when we accomplish something great, we then down-play our greatness. It's bizarre!

"A Land of Opportunity, where you can do anything and be what you want..." and when you do, the Tall Poppy Syndrome kicks in and you are criticised because your talents or achievements elevate you above others. Again... bizarre!

So, today I will allow myself to recognise that I am inspiring. I acknowledge and graciously accept what others have told me.

That sense of practicality combined with lessons learnt from commencing boarding school at the age of 12, developed strength and independence. My confidence may have only been a mask, hiding inner insecurities, but it served me well, particularly early in my working career, where I could manage upwards and was fortunate to have great mentors. This is what set me up to do what I do today, which some have found to be inspiring.

An example: I distinctly remember the time a couple of years ago when my friend Donna told me how much I inspired her. It was a short time after my husband and I separated and while I was feeling like my world had come to an end, all she saw was a strong, loving mother, adapting to change, starting her own business, facing fears and following a long felt yearning to take up windsurfing. And more recently as I shared my Clear the Crap journey, others have told me how I have inpired them to do the same.

Honest

My highest value - Honesty.

There is something deep-rooted within me that has always made it difficult for me to lie. Sure there were times, particularly in my youth, when all details were not openly revealed... particularly to parents!!!! But I am not deliberately false or have any intent to decieve. I am honest.

Perhaps the importance of Honesty was magnified for me when I learnt that the one person that I trusted the most in the world, my husband, had been hiding the truth from me. That cut very deep and I am seeing the effects now as my children grow up and learn and try to hide things from me. At the moment it's my son telling me he has eaten the fruit in his lunch box, when he has not! To observe my reaction when the children lie is really interesting.

With all the self-analysis that Clear the Crap has brought forth, I have recently discovered the importance of speaking your truth in the moment. I do admit to conforming to social graces in certain circumstances so as not to offend people - you don't have to tell everyone everything that you are thinking. But I have also learnt that to hold back and not say something that you really feel, can be detrimental to your well-being.

I value the truth and I am constantly working on develping the skill  to find the right way to say things and the courage to speak it in every moment.

______________________________________________________________

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Find 3 Jobs

Some wonderful discussion on the
Clear the Crap Facebook Wall
prompted me to produce this video this morning.

Here's me with a technique
to get you taking some action:

_____________________________________________________________

Day 84 - 90 A Training… A Workout… A Lifestyle...

So I have cleared out some crap from my mind,
as a result of decluttering my home;
processed a lot of suppressed emotions along the way;
and discovered my connection with spirit.

Now it's time to clear the crap from my BODY.

As I write this, I am half way through munching a packet of Roast Tomato & Balsamic flavoured rice crackers - the first of the bad habits that have to go.... late night munching. It is purely the crunch sensation that I am addicted to and I can just as easily snack through a whole packet of plain cardboard-tasting rice cakes in an evening, while sitting at the computer for hours and hours... bad habits #2 and #3 - spending too much time online and too much time sitting.

Too many months of sedentary.
The lapsed gym membership.
Poor diet.
Lollies.
Chocolate.
Self-sabotage.

Time for a new focus, Baby!!!

I fell in love with NIA back in April or May and knew from the very first class that I participated in that I would be fully integrating this practice into my life and may possibly teach it myself one day.

I truly get lost in the movement, the moment, the sensation and "dance like no one is watching". It's hard to describe my attraction to NIA. I just know that this is something that I must embrace in my life.

I know that this will be the thing that brings my body to where I want it to be, in terms of fitness, and the healing of my current aches and pains. I know that this will be the thing that brings me into my body. It will provide the vehicle for me to finally feel comfortable with myself physically, emotionally and spiritually.

This morning I fly out to attend a NIA Intensive Training. I will be doing my White Belt. I'm excited, scared and full of anticipation for what will transpire over the next 7 long days.

NIA - which stands for Neuromuscular Integrative Action - is a new trend in mind-body wellness. It is the most advanced form of fusion fitness, blending martial arts, healing arts, dance, and spiritual self-healing to create a high-powered, synergistic workout that no isolated exercise technique can match. NIA presents an entirely new philosophy of exercise - one that keeps you in fantastic shape but also helps you rediscover the joy of movement

From the moment you step into Nia, your relationship to your body and your experience of life  changes forever.


Good-bye late night crunching - the new me is arriving.

I can't wait to learn more about this personal growth,

fitness and lifestyle practice.

Then share it with others.

___________________________________________________________

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Day 83 - A realisation about CHANGE, Ego, Seuss & Tolle

I have always been afraid of change. Anything that moves me out of the comfort zone of my day to day round causes me stress. I unconsciously delay the completion of many jobs because I am not sure of what life will be like once the the job is completed.

It is often easier to stay with the familiar, even if you are not 100% happy with it, than taking the risk of changing.

I wonder about why people who are "stuck in a rut" and unhappy with their current life circumstance, don't take the required action to change the situation. They may be afraid of the unknown - what is it like on the other side of the required action? But if they are unhappy now, surely what awaits can be no worse. Yet still, they hold back and put up with their current state.

We all have dreams of what we want in life and perhaps set ourselves some goals, but I think the majority of people just leave it as that - a dream; a fantasy; they mustn't truly believe that it can come true. Those that REALLY want the dream, CAN make it happen.

This realisation I had about CHANGE removed an energy block that had me feeling low for a couple of days. I committed to concluding some tasks that really needed my attention and to not worry about what lies on the other side. What ever it is, it can only be better than what I have now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

" Addicted to seeking, afraid of arriving "

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These words from  Scott Kalechstein Grace's incredible poem about the Ego describe my hesitation to conclude many tasks. I discovered Scott's work and "Oh, the Places your Ego will Go!" today and love it!

The union of two of my favourite authors.... Brilliant!

"Oh,The Places Your Ego Will Go!"

Your ego will travel with you on this Earth
And be your companion for worser or worse
It pretends it's your friend, your bestest amigo
And it pours on the guilt, that's the mark of the ego

It's there to protect you, to help you be strong
So it has to remind you, you've done it all wrong
You're weak and you're lazy, you don't have a clue
That's your drill sergeant ego, trying to motivate you

The ego wants you to be all you can be
So it gives you these pep talks all day and for free
Oh the places you'll go and the guilt trips you'll travel
As your ego plays judge and bangs down on its gavel

But you always can get some relief from your shame
By projecting it onto the others you'll blame
For that is the Ego at its beastiest best
It nurses its grievances close to its chest

Republicans, liberals, your parents, your ex
The world is just teaming with folks to correct
If only these fools would conform to your ways
You could get on with life, without further delays

The Ego's always finding new gripes to complain about
Turns molehills to mountains of yikes to feel pain about
Sometimes the Ego stuff gets you so stuffy
You come down with a cold or an ouchy, more roughy

But there's no time for rest, so get up out of bed
If you're just here and now, you won't get ahead
Your to do list must buzz like the bees when they're busying
Filling your days till they're endlessly dizzying

Oh the places you'll go and the people you'll see
All through the lenses of, "What's in it for me?"
Cos the Ego believes there is something it lacks
And until it is found, it wont let you relax

Perhaps you'll find it in the next one you date
True love at first sight, with a soul kind of mate
The romance is hot, 'til the climate turns cold
Cos when two halves collide, they do not make a whole

It's great 'til the love gets obscured by control
For when two halves collide, they cannot make a whole



So the Ego moves on, ever constantly striving
Addicted to seeking, afraid of arriving
You're travelling fast, at the speed of surviving
With fear in the drivers seat, doing the driving

Or maybe you're on the fast track of success
You're constantly driven to be great, better, best
You're a mover, a shaker, a real-time achiever
Umph, you're a real self-made man, or a dazzling diva

You're rich and you're famous, and you make quite a splash
You're on top of the world and you're rolling in cash
You drive the right car, you've married the right spouse
Today, lunch with Oprah, tomorrow, the White House

But at night, insecurity pays you a call
Cos you know any time, you could lose it all
Your shrink says to rest, your spouse sure agrees
Your doctor says, "Ulcers! Take 14 of these"

You know you should slow it down sooner or later
But your foot is just glued to that accelerator
Your Ego consoles, "Well at least you're successful
It's a sign of success to be constantly stressful"

You've made it to prime time and everyone loves you
But your self esteem is based on what others think of you
And opinions can change in the blink of an eye
Which is why you need meds just to sleep and get by

One day when you've failed and succeeded enough
You witness your ego exposed in the buff
And you realise behind all it's protective clothing
That the Ego is simply a state of self-loathing

And beyond that you realise the biggest of deals
You've dreamt up the Ego, it's not even real
So for richer, for poorer, in all kinds of health
You make a commitment to loving yourself

You release the projections you placed upon others
And find through forgiveness that peace is discovered
You realise the love that you searched for outside you
Is what you are made of and can't be denied you

So you let go your worries, your plans, your pills
Put some logs on the fire and learn how to chill
Your old superstitions have gone up in smoke
Like you can't rest in peace until after you croak!

You no longer fear death or for that matter life
Cos you know that all matters are safe and alright
While resting in peace you will soon be inspired
To go out in the world with some new-found desires

Desires that spring from your heart and your soul
And wherever they take you, you go in there whole
For the Ego is now in the passenger seat
Lets down the window and takes in the treats

There's no need to hurry, you're taking it slow
Cos the journey's as rich as the places you'll go
Where you are going, you don't need to know
For the journey's as rich as the places you'll go

The journey's as rich as the places you'll go

~ Scott Kalechstein Grace

Crap Cleared:

A fear of change

Observations:

Never again will I say and accept that "This is my lot in life" and I will aim to complete tasks in a timely manner without fear of what lies ahead.

_______________________________________________________

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Day 82 - Journaling from a sad place on lifes' emotional see-saw

Journaling has always been a way of clarifying what is going on for me. It's like the sea of crap that spins in my head somehow becomes ordered in the process of converting whirling thoughts into words in ink on paper, and I feel better as a result.

It is actually well known that journaling can reduce stress, heal, aid problem solving and provide personal growth by enabling improved self understanding.

I used to only write when I was feeling really low. If I was to go back and read old journals it would paint a very depressive picture of my life, as each page was an attempt to understand and remove the emotional pain I was suffering. For me, journaling was a way of releasing my sadness, anger, frustration, or disappointment.

There must have been happy times in my past somewhere... there's just no written record of it!

Now that what I write is public, my egoic desire to be liked is wanting to censor the content, so that the theme of my writing is always optimistic and happy.

Not tonight.

Tonight I want to write about how watching the TV show about dating made me feel so totally inadequate.

I want to write about how I lost sight of the ability to 'go with the flow' when dealing with the water leak on my property and managing it all by myself. It took up a lot of my energy and I became torn between relishing my independence on one hand, and desperately wishing that I didn't have to do it all alone on the other.

I want to write about how I believe myself to be lazy with a lack of direction, focus and drive to do anything in my life.

I want to write about how tired I am because of my bad habits and self-sabotaging behaviours.

I want to write about how hard it would be if I had to face failing yet again.

I want to write about how much I identified with the lyrics of  the Kelly Clarkson song I just listened to.

"Because of You"

 

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

 

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

 

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake

A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

 

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

 

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

 

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

 

Because of you

Because of you

 

~ Kelly Clarkson

Tomorrow, when I wake, I will put on my smile and have the spring back in my step.... the perpetual optimist in me trying to paint a positive picture. Either that, or writing is working it's magic yet again!

That's tomorrow - for now, I cry myself to sleep....... again.

Crap Cleared:

Nothing today... I'm just having one of those days!

Observations:
I see that life is an emotional see-saw and have learnt that it cannot be completely evenly balanced.

Up's cannot exist without Down's. Happy cannot be, without Sad. There can be no Good, if there is no Bad. There needs to be contrast for these things to exist.

I allow myself to take time out when the need arises, to be with my negativity. To simply allow it. Because I have observed myself and  know that before too long, the see-saw will teeter to the other side. I will soon be riding high again.

_______________________________________________________

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Day 81 - Going with the flow of life

.

I sat on the veranda in the late afternoon,


and... well, nothing really...


I just sat.



With paper and pen in hand but no real agenda, the sounds and sights of the early spring near-dusk fully occupied me.

"Afternoon Musings" by Jo Behlau   21cm x 30cm Ink & Pencil on Paper

The tradition I grew up with of:

"Study hard to get a good job";
"Money doesn't grow in trees"; and
"You have to work hard in this life",

does not sit well with my current lifestyle, but I will sit with it a little longer...

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

Today I discovered that for the last three months there has been an undetected water leak on my property. I have been losing, and am yet to pay for, about one litre per minute, in addition to our normal water usage. As I sat on the veranda and considered the action plan for resolving this costly, time consuming, inconveniencing problem, I caught myself being quite calm in a situation that could be made rather stressful.

Was I actually starting to lose resistance

and just Go with the Flow of Life?

So, with ease, I filled some buckets with water, turned off the water-main and will deal with it first thing Monday morning.

And with ease I will welcome each event presented to me in life as a new learning experience and an opportunity to observe my reactions to situations and go with the flow of life.

Crap Cleared: 
A bit of broken old pipe and pointless stress.

Observations: 
Obstacles will inevitably appear before us - Our reactions to them determine the quality of our life.

______________________________________________________

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Day 80 - This is me !

This is the physical and cognitive me

The real me is hiding deep inside this lump of cells and thoughts

I have only recently become acquainted with the real me - my inner being - my true essence. I found her hiding behind a wall that my physical form created.

On this wall is a picture I had painted of what I thought was me.



Clearing the Crap has created cracks in the wall and I can see what's on the other side and I'm starting to like what I see.



This means that I am finally beginning to be OK with myself, to face my deepest fear and realise that I do not need to please anyone else. I do not need to paint an image of what I think people might like to see on the outside of the wall.



My real me is beautiful and if I can just smash down that wall, it does not matter what other people think when they see what's there.


I have asked my inner being to help me to switch off my mind - that crazy processor of thoughts and conditioned beliefs that deals with all the crap of everyday life, so that she may shine her true beauty on the ruins of the wall.

_________________________________________________________________

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Day 79 - Releasing the real me from behind a mask of conformity

I recall times at school, and perhaps also in adult vocational training, when I was instructed to document the "roles" that I perform: sister, student, sports team member, shop assistant, etc. Analysis followed on how behaviour can adjust, depending on the role that is being played.

I imagine this was the instructor's way of trying to help students answer the question:

" Who am I ? "

Or perhaps the intent may have been to teach conformity to school rules, company policy or social norms; to have students think about how they are "supposed to act" in different situations, or around different people, answering the question: "What am I supposed to do?".

It is such a shame that we were taught how to be actors

and not how to be ourselves.

Of course there is the requirement to function in our community, so a level of conformity is necessary. And in the past I have felt good about how well I managed to relate to people at all levels of the corporate ladder and in varying social situations. But I now realise that I never really knew who the " I " from the ' Who am I ' question really was. I had no connection with my inner self.
.

If only the teacher would have gone that one little extra step to help me realise that these roles I played, were not who I really was... deep inside. My mind had identified with these characters I played, who performed the part according to others' expectations. I would don the mask, take the stage and did what I ought, in order to receive the applause.

If only the teacher would have helped me realise
that the REAL ME,
is the being that 

SITS BEHIND THE MASK
worn by the conforming role-player.

I always wore a mask. I played the roles in a way that I thought I was supposed to play them. I identified with those roles and thought that was who I was.

It was a lie.

I was trying to be something I was not.

I was trying to please others and do the "right thing" and I felt like I never met their or my own expectations.

My life was always a search for ... "something"... My passion? My true calling? What was I going to do with this life? Always unsatisfied. There was something missing.

But I have found the answer and it lies in getting to know the glow that sits behind the mask.

To know and understand this light that shines from within.

I will find the strength to no longer move in a way that others expect me to...

 

I am taking off the mask.

_________________________________________________________________

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Day 78 - Losing sentiment & discovering timelessness

I find that I am constantly Clearing the Crap from the children's bedrooms - clothes that are too small and toys that have been outgrown - I can easily move them on to others, the market pile or the trash.

Rubbish on the floor, lego pieces hiding in corners, inside-out socks everywhere, pencil sharpenings on the carpet... Grrrr, don't get me started!!!!

But I have been keeping one storage box containing the most favoured baby toys - those special items that were the best quality, were expensive, or held sentimental value. I guess I didn't want to see them go because of what they represented:

the era when my children were babies.

I was thinking that if I ever had friends visit with small children, then I could bring out that box for them to have some beautiful items to play with. Realistically... how often does that happen! And in the mean time I have a big storage box taking up space!!!

And then I say to myself... Oh, But these items are timeless and could be passed to my childrens' children... Really!... I'm gonna have that box in my cupboard for the next 30 years!!!

So, the last time that I tidied up the toys in the spare room cupboard....

I took this photo of the lovely items
in the sentimental box of bubby stuff....

and

then

got

rid

of

 it!!!

And all of those wonderful artistic creations... 

fabulous learning experiences... 

but there comes a time when it just has to go...

Beautiful?    ... Yes

Clutter?   ... Yes

GONE!

I see that a major reason why we hold onto things is our emotional attachment to them. It's not so much the items themselves, but what they represent - a time gone by, a happy memory, a significant stage of life. We fear that if we lose these things, we will lose that part of ourselves.

But when you take the time to really look into yourself and find who you really are, you see that you are timeless. There is no need to hold onto a previous chapter of your life. Your presence is not dependant upon past experiences or storing physical objects.

The end of an era

The passage of time

We learn

We grow

We move on

We embrace the Now

Without fear of what was or will be

_______________________________________________________

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Day 77 - Me and a tiny little spider: Escaping the web of social conditioning.

Through the kitchen window I noticed a spiderweb glistening
in the early morning sunlight and for a moment
I was mesmerised by it's beauty.

I halted the morning rush-hour to marvel at the glory of nature.

How amazingly intricate was this spider and her home for the day.

How breathtakingly mind-blowing is every little creature

and every plant that grows on this earth.

How could I, as a human, possibly be superior to this shimmering web
and this tiny little eight-legged beast?

My body is just as intricate and astounding,
but the only thing that makes us different,

is my capacity to think.

When I switch off my mind, Mr Spider and I are totally equal.

I then thought of my father and how he believes humans to be the masters of all other things. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Dad) But not only that, he believes certain humans to be more superior than other humans.

His racist views were openly expressed in our household when I was growing up, and naturally via the force of social conditioning, I adopted his opinions, to a certain extent.

I grew up and learnt to be more accepting of those who looked different from me, or had different customs and beliefs. And in more recent times I have learnt so much about being judgemental and what it reflects about myself. I have changed my views (for the better) over time, but still wonder why my father, to this day, as an immigrant to this country and considering his history, is so bigoted.

This concept of superiority passed on from my father developed the high expectations I always held for myself, and ultimately contributed to how unhappy I was, by never being able to meet those expectations.

Now, as I go about my daily round, I am so aware of the influence that I have on my children. My every action, every word, is creating impressions on them. And while I am conscious of this and parent to the best of my ability, I wonder as to the beliefs I am creating in their minds. What emotional issues am I causing that will bring them grief later in their lives?

  

I have spent my life to date picking up other people's crap in order to function in this society and now I will spend the rest of my life (or a little while anyway) undoing it all.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~ 

Crap Cleared:  
A few dusty old memories and conditioned beliefs that were cluttering the far reaches of my mind.

Observations:
I am equal to all things.

Social conditioning is essential in order to function in our society, but it is through examining ourselves and consciously observing our reactions to situations, we do not let it define us.

I am not my mind and can switch it off to be at one with nature.

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Day 76 - Remember the pain, learn the lesson & rise above

"Aaaahh"... another moan as I attempt to move.

When you are feeling intense physical pain, nothing else matters but the attempt to find relief. I'm incapable of normal function, the ability to make decisions and consumed by fear - how can I meet the needs of my children when I cannot move!

I'm not feeling literally expressive today, I just wanted to record this moment of pain, to serve as a future reminder of what I have overcome, and where I don't want to return to.

I have been here many times and NOW is the time to change. I will not identify with this ailment. I am not my pain. I am not a person who has a weak back. I will be a person who has observed emotional issues and overcome physical weakness.

I will let go of any comparison, desire, expectation, jealousy and future dreams in order to feel relief in this moment. I release it all. I surrender to the NOW and find my peace without any striving for anything different.

"Back Pain Phoenix" by Jo Behlau 2011  29cm x 41xm pastel on card

I close with a list of the messages that were presented to me this morning:

What if for the next 48 hours, you practiced seeing everything that turns up as the Universe working FOR YOU! That there is no down side, no loss, and everyone wins. That it's exactly what we need to get to where we are meant to be ♥ Woohoo! Who's coming along for a very exciting ride?

Thank you Find One Thing and Jina Allen-Hardy

 

Love yourself with all your heart. Love everything about yourself. Love all those things about you that you wish were different. Love all those parts of you that you feel get in your way. Love the choices you've made which you now see would be different. Love your body and celebrate all it does well without any guidance from your conscious mind.
Love love love love love love love love YOU!!!

Thank you Expect Wonderful

Today we are encouraging you to BE YOURSELF. You are safe and loved just as you are. Take a moment to breathe and remove the mask you hide behind ♥ Allow yourself to share and shine as you. Being yourself is so important today, as you question what is important to you? Being Yourself, will allow others to step out from behind their masks. It is safe for you to be a leader ♥ Embrace all that you are today ♥
Thank you Rowena Neal - Balancing Your Universe

‎Today I turn my gaze inward and reconnect with self. I check in to make sure everything is in harmony and if it isn't I take the necessary action to help align myself again.

Thank you Lee-Anne Temple of Balance

Awareness, action and observation without judgment are available every moment. So is judgment, attack and defense, and dealing death. The choice affects you and the entire world. Which will you feed today?

Thank you Luke Walters

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Day 75 - Sitting in silence and stillness to clear negative emotions

I have become aware of invisible walls that block the energy flow in my space and disrupt my natural rhythm. It comes from having my father stay with me for such an extended period of time.

I feel nature being disrupted by major earthworks in my space, as construction of a new residential property development has begun across the road.

I am conscious of the conflict being created within my children, as I teach conformity to rules and stifle their spirit.

I continue to observe how my personal performance expectations impact on my emotions and behaviour. It requires constant attention to try and hold myself in a position of self-acceptance and allow all things to just be, without offering resistance.

There is so much swirling negative energy

around me at the moment,

but today I discovered a new way

 to get myself out of a bad mood
and manage this negativity.

Again my son was not ready for school on time. Constant reminders to hurry up fall on deaf ears. All the strategies I have employed over the last year or more have not worked to produce consistent results. I can't seem to get through... and it is frustrating the CRAP out of me!

I'm sure it's all so "normal" for a child of this age. But I AM NOT NORMAL. I don't want to be normal - if it means having an irresponsible boy who just got kicked out of Literacy Club for being lazy!

I do not  want to spend the next ten years of my life repeating these constant reminders that fall on deaf ears.

So this morning when I had not heard any violin practice and walked passed an unmade bed, then found my son outside on the veranda reading a book while waiting to go to school, I couldn't contain it any more. After announcing the time periodically throughout the morning and our conversation the night before, my annoyance surfaced.

We did what we needed to and got to school on time and when I returned to the car after having to speak with my daughters teacher, I just sat there...

I just sat.

In the quiet of the car.

I just sat.

Observing the quiet.

Aware of the space around me.

I still felt the anger, the frustration, and I did not want to take it home with me.

I just sat in the car.

In the silence a couple of tears fell.

I noticed some bird calls and vehicle noises.

I recognised that this location was different from home

and I could leave my anger and frustration there.

I'm not sure how long I sat.
Maybe 10 or 20 minutes. Longer.
But I felt I needed to remain in the stillness and just be with my resistance,
until those negative emotions left me.

And they did.

When I had allowed the anger and frustration to move through me and out,
I started the engine and went home.

I have not added to this blog for a little while. Not because of a lack of desire and I'm so pleased to say that my crap-clearing has continued, but the ability to express myself in writing escaped me. Interestingly I found another creative outlet with my painting and drawing.

I feel as though acknowledging the negative energy flow around me, and sitting with it in silence and stillness, has allowed it to disperse. I have found a way to operate within the negative flow and return to my written expression. In the silence I was able to reconnect with my inner essence, dissolve the effects of external influences, and find my peace.

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Now, for this blog post I would much rather share a colourful image like this...

 

"Colour Splash" by Jo Behlau 2011  29cm x 41xm pastel on card

than a crappy picture of me sitting in a pile of Crap...

Two garbage bins full of CRAP Cleared out of the garage the other day

But, it is what it is !!

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