Every day seems so hectic.
Rushing to get ready,
hurrying here and there,
too much on my plate,
not getting enough done,
too much time online,
activities after school,
got to do this,
haven’t done that,
quick eat your dinner,
no time for that today,
hurry to bed...
When my head finally crashes onto the pillow the last thing that goes through my head is a calm, relaxed, "Goodnight my beautiful children". They are always my last thought before slumber.
Daily I question if I am doing the right thing; if I have spent enough quality time with them. I feel sorry for the time that I yelled and reconsider the latest behaviour reward strategy. And then I vow to do a better job the next day.
Today Mum and I discussed how we try to fit so much into our days - a disease of this culture we live in. We can get so caught up in activity, but then never really accomplish a lot. The wheels go round, we get stuck in a rut, we’re constantly busy and before we know it, years have passed in what seemed like the blink of an eye and the wheel is still churning. Why have we developed a mentality that thinks it’s not ok to have little to do, to rest, and to smell the flowers?
Mum said that at 71 years old, she is still running this same treadmill.
I don’t want to continue living like this for the next 30 years.
I would like to break down the internal construct that makes me think that I need to be busy all the time. I want to live and enjoy this life, not get to the end of it and wonder what happened to it.
I’m still stuck in a contradictory mind-set between seeking direction, setting goals & making plans, and then wanting to just be. Surely there’s a way that I can have both.
The monster that hides under my bed is my unknown future.
I remember time and time again asking my ex-husband what our future holds. I wanted to make plans for future holidays and what will happen when the kids reach a certain age, and what new activities we could do together. These questions were usually pondered when leisurely lying in bed, when the monster could reach his arms up to trigger my fear of what lies ahead.
More recently when I lie on my bed and the monster touches me, my thoughts were of how I would continue to cope as a single mother. How could I support us financially in the future? What would I do if I had an intruder in the house? What would happen to the kids if something happened to me?
But the beautiful thing is that I have been changing my outlook on life. I am developing a new perspective. It’s just a slight shift of consciousness. Not just repeating positive affirmations in my head and hoping they come true, but actually knowing that what ever will be, will be, and it will be the right thing for us.
Wow! Good-bye monster. Good-bye fear of the future.
Crap cleared: I tidied up all the crap that was hidden under my bed.
Day 30 observations:
- I can make plans for the future and try different things in my life, while still relishing each and every moment.