Day 32 - My love-hate relationship with the lawnmower

Well it would be nice if I was going to describe the guy who mows my grass... but this is simply a rant about the blue, 4-stroke, 158cc Victa!

When I go out and get dirty and ride the Victa I’m truly satisfied!!
...about a job well done in the yard, of course... what were you thinking??

For me, mowing the lawn is symbolic for all of the indoor and outdoor chores that I do, which would "normally" be done by the man about the house. I love that I am a strong, independent, single woman and attribute it to my treasured childhood growing up on the farm. I value my practicality and resourcefulness. When the grass has been neatly trimmed, and other yard duties completed, (eg. pruning trees, cleaning gutters, creating an ag-pipe drainage system!) I enjoy standing back and admiring the job well done and the look of my property.

It's probably not good to feel proud of oneself,
but I do value the sense of achievement I feel
when I do a "man’s job" such as mowing the lawn.
Even if we engage less frequently than we should,
I love my lawnmower.

That said, I still have moments, usually when something goes wrong and the damn thing (or other equipment) is not working, or if something else has effected me, when I can feel sorry for myself and wish I had someone else to do the lawn for me. I had an episode like that today when pushing through the thick grass that should have been tended to weeks ago, and the tears were rolling down my face as I plodded back and forth. Self-defeating thoughts like: Why do I have to be alone all the time? Why don’t I have someone else to do this for me? Why am I not good enough for anyone? Why doesn’t any man like me?
I hate my lawnmower. 

The strange thing is that I don’t really long to have a man in my life. Sure it may be nice, but it would be an imposition and stressor more than anything else. (perhaps just initially and I’m just saying this to make myself feel better)

Episodes where I get all sad and cranky about my circumstance are much less frequent or long lasting now than what they have been in the past. So, I soon shook myself out of that mind-pattern and continued to enjoy being outside in the fresh (noisy) air.

See... it really needs mowing!

Today there were two instances to do with relationships that really got my goat.

I read a blog from an American woman who needed to move states for work. She was living in a new city with her child, while her husband remained in the old home until it sold. She said that she is now experiencing what it is like to be a single mother.


(I cant send a link because I can’t remember the name of the blog. I was offended and chose not to bookmark the page in any way)

I liken this with women whose husbands go away for work for periods of time. Yes, those women do need to look after the children all by themselves and make huge sacrefices and may need to make some decisions by themselves, and it is hard, but this is NOT the same as being a single mother.

They have not suffered the tragedy that is the loss of a marriage/partnership that resulted in the children, and they still have their partner available, even if it is just on the phone at times. They still have someone there who loves them, and cares for them and supports them. They are not alone.

Secondly, I came across a facebook page that was inviting people to have a whinge and get things off their chest. A woman was complaining about her husband. It really irks me when I hear people criticising their partner (and yes, I have been guilty of it also in the past). Why can't people just be thankful for the love that they have and if it is an unhealthy relationship, quit it! Complaining is all about making yourself out to be better than the other.
Ok, rant over... Now I’ll go back to my pretence of being a humble identity - who lives in hope of ditching the Victa and finding a real life Victor, Vincent or maybe even a Victoria!

Crap cleared: Megga amounts of lawn clippings

Day 32 observations:
  • I am becoming conscious of my ego, which complains about single life and my internal voice that tells me negative things about myself. I know that awareness and ego can’t occur at the same time. My old mental patterns are being recognised and broken down as my awareness grows.

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